Probate

Well now the hard bit begins.  What am I saying?  It has all been hard!  I mentioned to my eldest son that I felt very emotionally young, but he told me I am strong when I need to be and this is just normal.  I know hes right, I am remembering the feelings from when Mum died, although I think there was a lot of disbelief with Mum as we didn't really realise just how ill she was. 

Probate has been granted, so now we can go about emptying the house and putting it on the market.  Husband has suggested we go to the estate agents this weekend to get an idea of how they would market it - it has a stair lift fitted and a wet room for disabled living - and how much they think it is worth.  Up until now it has all been talk.  After the initial clearing out of upstairs I found it easy to avoid going to the house.  Rob is still living there, although he has found a house to rent with his friends and will be moving out soon. 

Now, I will have to go to the house to sort out the remaining books, furniture, white goods etc.  We also have to sell his electric scooter.  Up until now it has all been talk, house sales that is.  It hit me, this great big block of bricks swinging back and forth, it is real.  Dad is dead, the house will be sold and that is the end of it all.  I really don't think I can cope with it all.

Some days I am lower than the lowest low thing.  I don't know how to get through the day, the weight is just too great.  Every little thing makes me cry.  I say I am aimless, and I have come to realise that my routine has changed drastically.  For the past I don't know how many years I have taken Dad out on a Thursday, then Wednesday was added, then Friday.  This was a regular thing, along with still popping in at odd times to "surprise" him, and the phone calls, the only one I don't miss is his 9am Sunday morning phone call!  No wonder I am lost.  I am better on other days and can talk to his photo and not get too upset.  I have apologised to Mum because at the moment I talk mainly to Dad.  I hope she understands and knows that in time I will chat to her as much as I used to.

I have had a few odd happenings, not sure if I have mentioned this first one.  A few days after Dad died I went into my bedroom to go to bed and there was an awful smell in there.  It was so bad I had to spray some deodorant in my room to mask it!  After looking round for cat poo, saying nothing about the cat!!, and finding nothing to cause the offensive odour, I said out loud that I wasn't too happy with the smell and could it please be taken away.  With that the smell instantly disappeared and a voice popped into my head to say "just to let you know he has arrived".  I need to say here that I have had no thought of contact with Dad because he was catergoric  in his belief that once he was dead that was it, the end.

Okay, the second odd thing was this week.  I was sat in the lounge having a cuppa and staring out of the window when a kestrel landed on the garage roof opposite.  It was weird, honestly, it really was.  We have buzzards in the summer flying overhead, and although I have never seen one around the area of the house and park I can't say that we don't have kestrels.  Its just I have never seen one landing on buildings, and never on the roof opposite my house!  It gives me comfort to believe, whether its true or not, that it was something associated with Dad.

Tuesday has been one of my lowest days so far I think, I really don't know why.  Tuesday night I dreamed of Dad and he was playing his "happy music" and telling me to listen to it.  Whenever anyone was down Dad would play The Maggie on his ipod.  He called it his happy music because it was a really jaunty tune, and we had it played at his funeral.  Okay, subconsciously I knew about this and maybe that was the reason for the dream, I don't know, and actually nor does anyone else.  Those people who know me know that I have the attitude of "look for the obvious, and if you can't find it then believe", and I want to believe.

First steps

Well, I forced myself to go to the farm shop today. I say forced myself because it is a place that dad and I went to a lot, usually taking Josh with us. We would have some lunch, wander around the shop and then go outside to feed the pigs and see the chickens. It was a step forward for me, and I nearly backed out, but I need to start somewhere.

I find myself so aimless and lost. I have not only lost my father, but I have lost my friend too. We did so much together, and the saying "you never know what you had until its lost" is so true. I guess maybe I should look at it that I have so many memories in so many places that dad will always be with me. I am trying very hard to be positive, but I am aware that I am lonely and very low.

Life goes on despite the sadness.

Two months on

I am finding it hard coming to terms with the fact that my dad has gone and I will never see him again. It all feels so surreal. I still cry when I think of him, but I am not blocking thoughts of him out now. We have also put some photos up of him and I try and look at them as much as I can bear. As time passes we realise more and more just how big a part of our lives he was. How much we turned to him for his advice and opinions on things. We took all this for granted, as you do with life and the people around you.

The gap left is huge. We went out together to so many places that the memories are everywhere and I can't escape them. I know that in time it won't hurt as much, but that is a long way off.