emotional rollercoaster

Lets see, can't remember the last blog, but it probably contained the words "only four weeks to live" or something very much like it.  Since then I have been an emotional wreck, alternating between nursing mode and daughter mode at the drop of a hat.  I have dreaded the phone ringing when I not at my Dad's house, and dreaded the pause in breaths from upstairs when I have been there.  Its amazing how the human ear is able to detect the sound of breathing despite other sounds being present.  Rob and I have shared the care, but he has done the donkey work, me doing 10 till 3.30 and then him taking over.

My father has been very poorly, very weak, not eating, in pain and bedridden for most of the past three weeks.  We have had help from the fabulous Marie Curie nurses who have come and Dad sat every other night. Their support has been for us as well as Dad.  The district nurses have been daily and for the past week we have had 2 carers to come in and give Dad a good wash and freshen him up.  When he is awake he is very grumpy and sharp on occasions, frustration I know, but still hard to ignore sometimes.

The decision was made last Friday to place Dad in a hospice because Rob is going away over Christmas, and we are unable to give him the 24hr care he needs.  Dad agreed to this, we would have been unable to give the go ahead without his say so.  He brightened up over the weekend, demanding food, complaining about it, but being very lucid in his conversations, which he hasn't been for a while.

Tuesday he was admitted to St Peters Hospice.  He said he was relieved, but didn't seem very happy to be honest.  The doctor is worried about his mood, he is hardly speaking to anyone and is very low.  Hardly surprising given the circumstances, so she has started a course of anti depressants.

Okay, here comes the rollercoaster bit.  The doctor informed me that although Dad is very poorly and his mind is ready to die, his body is not.  What?! Remember, we have all been living with the notion that he could die at any moment.  I told the doctor what I have been told and how he has been at home, but she still feels he is not about to die. She is planning to send him back home on 3rd January. I should be happy, I know, but he is soooo ready and this is partly why he is depressed.  He is a very proud man and hates it that he is unable to do anything for himself and is reliant on others.  I can't get my head around everything.  He does not speak to me unless I get into his face almost.  I took Specks in to see him today and after a minute he told me to take him away.  This is not my father.  I know it is probably because of toxins and illness, but I just cannot take it all in.  I feel like my brain has now totally shut down and is unable to process any more information, good or bad.  To be honest I can't really express how I feel, except maybe to say that a dark den, cosy and warm might just be the way to go!

By the way, Speckle enjoyed his visit to the hospice, once he realised it wasn't the vets clininc.  He said hello to everyone he met and the staff nurse found him biscuits.  What more could a dog want!

Nearing the end

Three to four weeks left.  Do I live with the hope that the doctor is only guessing, and that it could be longer?  Live hoping that Dad will see my birthday and christmas? Her estimate is based on test results and experience. Or do I take the fatalistic approach and think 4 weeks max and that anything longer is a bonus?  I just don't know.  I do know that Dad would like to die right now and that if there was a button he could press he would summon the energy and do it. 

I am numb, not sure I can cry anymore, yet as I type the tears start to flow again.  I need to phone my sister and tell her, but just don't want to because saying it out loud makes it more real.  Kidney failure has set in, and the doctor thinks that in another 2 weeks Dad will reach the stage that donates dialysis.  Obviously this is not an option for him so it will be the end.

Its all crappy to say the least :o(

Frailty - it just shouldn't happen!

Its not right that your parents should get old and frail.  My Dad has always been a strong man, in mind, manner, and also the way he has cared for my Mum, sister and myself.  To see him as he his now is demoralising.  He has been out of hospital for 3 weeks now, and been back once as a day case to have another 10 litres of fluid drained from his abdomen.  He is very shaky on his feet, and yesterday had a fall in the bathroom, hitting his head. Typically, he was alone when this happened but he managed to struggle up and not fall down the toilet!  He remembers nothing of yesterday at all, and wonders why today he is back in hospital, despite me reminding him every half an hour or so!

The physio came yesterday afternoon to assess him and has told us he is not to be discharged until she has arranged to have a bed put in his room.  He has got a bed, before you all think he is sleeping on the floor!  He can't get in and out of the bed he has without a huge struggle, and as its a double bed, its not easy to help him.  The bed she wants will be like a hospital bed, so he will be able to sit up at the touch of a button and will have bed rails to help him manoeuver himself about.

The GP's at the surgery and the intermedary staff have been fantastic,  The physio was on her phone before she left the house arranging what she could for Dad, and the gp ordered an ambulance to transport Dad back into his "old ward" at Frenchay.  He is gradually working his way around all the beds, they should pay him to be a bed tester.

There is a young lad on the ward with severe learning disabilities, and he has been in and out of the same ward for the last 3 months. I have said hello to his parents, but never really spoken to them before.  Today I just felt the need to give his Mum a hug.  They have had a rocky journey and its far from over.  How they cope is beyond me.  They remarked on the difference in Dad since he was in a month ago and can see how much downhill he has gone.  It ended up as a sort of mutual consolation session, but did us all good I think.

Hubby makes sure that I talk to him about Dad and not bottle things up.  He is very pro active and makes sure I am able to stay on top of things, always guiding me, looking after me.  My sister and I talk too, keeping up to date.  She came to visit him today and it was lovely to see her and her hubby.  She has had her eye removed and seems to be coping ok, so brave.  Eerie too tho seeing her, same eye as Mum lost, jangled a nerve.

I think I might be rambling a bit.  My head is so muddled lately.  Am back at work now, knackered of course, back to the unrest!  In a way all the "stuff" with Dad is good for me because its forcing me to concentrate and focus - I might just find a brain cell somewhere after all!

Need a kick up the proverbial

I am slowly improving.  Does that make me sound like a lump of dough?  Oh hang on, think thats called proving.  My mistake, of which I am making a few lately!  The biggest one being getting dates wrong.  Dates that I should double check!!!  *sigh*  I had booked tickets to see Stephen Merchant at Bristol Colston Hall.  Had the date fixed in my mind, 22nd October, and had cajoled son into coming up from Plymouth to accompany me.  His friend had also asked him to go and see said comic in Plymouth but Rob said no, he was going with his Mum :o).   Anyway, Friday 21st arrived and I was about to go out, picked up the evening paper from the mat, and there on the front was a review for the gig.  Nooooo!   Surely not!!  I rushed into the kitchen and checked the tickets and sure enough, Thursday 20th.  I am soooo cross with myself.  I was really looking forward to this, plus I haven't been out with Rob alone for ages.  (I have to fight for him with Becky and Rich when he comes home.)  Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks!!

Okay, back to my physical health!  I am scared.  I will admit it.  I don't feel ill like I did when the flare first arrived, but get tired so much more easily.  It doesn't take much to send me scurrying back to the settee armed with painkillers, for another nap or rest.  I think I need to try and push through it, but really don't want to end up feeling like I did 4 weeks ago.  So far I have had 3 weeks off work and I really need to get back on my feet and living "normally" again.  The fear is holding me back, which on one hand is a good thing, but on the other hand, I really don't want to stay at this point.  Hmmmm.

Dad is home from hospital, his kidneys are now the primary concern.  He is not good.  I keep trawling the internet trying to determine what stage he is at, seeing what he should and shouldn't be eating/drinking, what I should be looking out for etc.  The realisation will sink in when I let it that I can't save him.  He is old, and I have to accept it.  He is back to not eating properly, plus he has trouble swallowing the food.  I think he is only drinking because the consultants and Matthew and I keep impressing upon him how important it is.  My Dad has always been a fighter, but he is being overcome by something that has gotten hold and is stronger than his will.  It is hard to watch :o(

My sis has had her eye removed, and the scans have shown she is clear from cancer in the rest of her body.  Thankfully, a month after being diagnosed, she has been treated and is ok, needing no further treatment other than the follow up and "colouring in of her eyeball".  There have been many discussions as to whether she should have a different coloured eye fitted, a dragon picture instead of eye etc.  She has been strong and come through it all with humour and courage.

I think that is about it.  Half term has arrived, Becky typically is lying in bed watching Friends, and Rich has gone to the opening of the enormously gigantic Tesco with his friend.  It is the second biggest Tesco Extra in the country - aren't we lucky!  Not sure what it is going to do to the rest of the shopping centre, but there you go, money and a big name count for everything.  I can't be totally against it because I will go and buy clothes, books and such from it.  Books, lots of them :o)

spiders in the bathroom

I have discovered something worse than the spider yo yoing in the shower cubicle whilst I gingerly take my morning shower.  Is it the same spider, or one with a death wish?  An evil cousin, a kamakaze cousin in fact.  I washed my hands and face and picked up the towel to dry myself, and there, hanging onto the corner of the towel was a spider!  Strangely, I am averse to spreading spider all over my face and can't understand why said spider would think it was fun!  Was it going to leap off the towel at the last minute, a sort of game of chicken for the arachnid world, or did it actually want to smear itself all over a human?!!  Who knows.  What it did get was a quick flick of the towel to loosen its grip and hurl it to the ground, very unceremoniously.  Cheeky sod, whatever next?  I fear I must be very vigilant from now on in case the toilet bowl is next .......................

Well folks, I am still stuggling, and have had to take another week off work.  I am debating going to the gp, although I know he can't do anything.  I just want to feel better and I live in hope that one day I will go to see him and he will actually have that miracle cure all M.E sufferers crave.  I won't harp on about it as I am depressed enough on my own without inflicting it on my friends.

Dad.  Well, what can I say.  He is still in hospital, filling up with fluid in his abdomen almost as fast as it is drained.  His kidney function is dropping and is now of more concern than his liver.  I am worried.  Again, being rather fragile emotionally as well as physically myself, I am going to say no more.  If I start to cry I might not stop!  I will just say that I am scared.

Rob is going to give up his job, well at the time of writing this blog he is, and come back home to look for a job in the adult mental health sector here.  He will live at Dads' so at least for a while there will be someone there during the night for when/if Dad comes home.  That way Rob has no expenses so doesn't have to worry too much for a little while.  It will be nice to have him home, although I think he might get fed up of the attention his siblings will demand lol.  What it is to be adored :o)    It will be nice for me too, I miss my children.

Right, am off to switch on the fire and cuddle up on the settee.  ttfn xxx

yuk

Well this latest M.E flare is into its 7th day and as you can guess I am well and truly pee'd off with it.  Feels like a lifetime.  I have had to take time off work.  I was hoping to limp along until half term because I have booked the time off then, but I am going to have to change my plans and use this as my holiday and work half term instead.  Bollocks!!

I was trying to explain to hubby how it feels and the best I could come up with is that I can feel my blood flowing around my body and it hurts!  Sometimes its a bit like the jolt you get with an electric shock, and once again I am a hot mamma.  Nausea, sore throat, fatigue, fever and pain.  Lush!

This also means that I haven't been up to visiting Dad.  Went in last night with the children, Matthew drove us all there, for half an hour.  Timed it so that we coincided with the end of one of Dads' friends visiting so I didn't have to stay too long.  Had to go because  the last visit was last Thursday and apart from anything else, I was missing him.

Its funny, sometimes I feel the need to blog to get it all out there as it were, but when it comes to it, I just can't be arsed.  On that note, I am back off to bed.  ttfn x

Oh yes, its that feeling from The Feeling!

So, I haven't blogged for a while.  Not been well sadly.  Looking after Dad has taken its toll and M.E flare has raised its ugly head.  Crap, hate it etc etc .........

Okay, Tuesday, The Feeling gig.  Rach and I were so apathetic about going, she made the gig back in February in Bath and didn't enjoy it.  No atmosphere, not many people and of course, no me :o)   It wouldn't have taken much at all for us to pull out, neither of us feeling up for it, but we went.  Oh boy, so glad we did!  The support act was Mads Langer, and he was very good, and funny with it.  Oh, and according to Rach, cute!  The venue was packed, typically all the tall people were there before us.  I think it should be a rule that tall people get to stand at the back.  Still, tenacity and elbows got us a good view.  Quarter past nine came and we were getting a bit edgy, our feet hurt, Rach had backache, we were thirsty.  Moan, groan, old age!!!  Texted husband to moan and the reply was along the lines of old fogeys r us!

All of a sudden electricity filled the air and the band were on stage.  Crowd goes wild and both Rach and I had stupid grins on our faces.  Oh yes, that feeling was well and truly back!    Feet hurting?  Nah.  Backache?  What backache?  Thirsty?  Oh you ain't seen nothing yet, wait until you have been singing and yelling for an hour and a half!!  We have been to see The Feeling four times, but this time they surpassed themselves.  They seem to have turned the instrumental bits of the songs into rock explosions.  It was bloody fantastic.  They finally left the stage at just gone 11pm, and the whole place was buzzing.  Sorry to be so cliche but its true.

Rach and I debated whether to do our "groupie thing" and hang around by the tour bus, but sadly old age struck and we decided to go home.  Of course, our feet ached, backs hurt, hands hurt from clapping, we could hardly talk or hear for that matter, but we were happy :o)

The journey into M.E

I know what triggered it, even though it was 7 years ago its etched into my memory.  I had taken the children swimming.  Rich was just learning to swim at that stage, so while Becky did her thing I stayed with Rich making sure he didn't drown completely.  We had been in the pool an hour and I was cold.  Although the "little pools" are supposed to be warm, they never feel it after a while.  It took me quarter of an hour to get the children out and by this time I was shivering, so much so that I couldn't get the key into the lock of the locker.  About a week later I went down with a chest infection which laid me low for five weeks.

That was March, into April.  Then came July and one day I was fine and the next day I felt ill.  It was as if a cloud had just dropped everything it had onto me.  I was hot, my joints were really painful, I ached and I was so tired.  I carried on like this for a week and then went to the GP.  That was the start of 6 months of investigations, referrals to a rheumatologist and endless blood tests.  The inital diagnosis was Lupus and scared the hell out of me.  Luckily, after a few months the tests for it starting coming back negative, instead of positive, and the thought process began again.  Eventually M.E was diagnosed, still a pain in the arse, but far better than Lupus!

For the first year of the illness I think I slept for at least a total of 6 months on top of the normal nights sleep!  I even remember falling asleep whilst on the phone one day to my Dad!  Darn right rude of me but I just couldn't keep my eyes open.  I felt as if I was sleeping my life away, but couldn't do anything to stop it.  Each year I seem to have been affected slightly differently, varying from chronic tiredness, to more painful, flu like, on fire, joint pain, sore throat and nausea.  I have forgotten what it feels like to be refreshed after sleep.  Most of the time I feel like I have  very low grade flu and always, always tired.  I am one hot mama too, sadly tho its due to my body's inability to control its temperature efficiently rather than being "hot". 

I get flare ups too, when I get all of the symptoms rolled into one huge argggghhh!  Sleep is the only way out, that and plenty of pain killers.  Just have to go with the flow until it works its way out of my system. 

I was under the hospitals care for a year, and they "train" you to live your life carefully.  What to do, what not to do and how to pace yourself.  Forget this at your peril.  What you do today will come and bite you on the bum tomorrow! No ifs, no buts, it will happen. There is a big temptation when you have a good day to make the most of it and go crazy.  Can't be done.  Payback is a very important word when  you have M.E.  I also had a course of CBT, cognitive behaviour therapy.  The only help I felt this gave me was to be able to say No and stand up for myself, no small thing actually.  Its very difficult when you look and act ok, but underneath you are fighting a battle.  People only see you as unwell if you have outward signs.  How can you explain that actually, just talking to someone for a length of time is enough to feel the need for your bed! 

It has obviously impacted hugely on my life, and that of my family.  There are too many occasions to count when I have said we will do something, go somewhere etc, and have to pull out and disappoint them.  Another symptom is brain fog.  Sometimes I am unable to hold a rational conversation because I physically can't pull the words together in my brain.  I am forgetful and confused, and whilst sometimes I can laugh about it, I hate it.  I know I am slow and it frustrates me, but frustrates Matthew more.  He has to make so many allowances for me, and he does, but he worries about my state of mind at times.

All in all as  you may have realised, life is a constant battle for me.  I have to battle with myself to get up in the mornings, because I am just so tired I want to stay where I am.  I guess I must have a fairly strong will because the temptation to give up and hibernate is always there, lurking like a black cloud.

I am going to see The Feeling on Sunday.  Instead of looking forward to it I am dreading it because there are no seats and I have to stand all night.  Last time I saw them at The Academy I had a total energy drain afterwards and had to sit down for half an hour before I could leave!  Mind you, that gave the band time to pack up and we got to meet them outside the venue.  I had to pull out of two gigs earlier in the year because I just wasn't up to going.  Even when I went to see Olly Murs I sat down and couldn't see anything because everyone else was standing.  He sounded great tho!

Well that is a bit of an insight into M.E from my perspective.  I have tried not to moan and just be factual.  You all know how much it gets me down, I am not the happy bunny I used to be, its hard when you are always tired at the very least to be positive.  I try not to moan too much, it gets boring, but sometimes I just want to let it all out. 

All my family and friends are fantastic and help me where they can, and for that I love them and thank them from the bottom of my hot heart!

families and a London Blue Topaz to make my day!

Have had a long chat with my sister, and apparently the consultant has reassured her that the cancer she has is contained and once her eye is removed that will be the end of it.  Thats a relief.  Obviously its not nice that she has to lose her eye, but she is trying to be positive and says she can't see out of it anyway, so it will make no difference.  She goes in for surgery on 17th October, so I hope it will all be ok for her.

As for Dad, he has fluid building up in his abdomen again.  The GP who came out Monday said that in view of the fact he has a hospital appointment on Friday, he would leave it.  I had to explain to Dad again that this is as good as it gets for him.  He will not get better,  He didn't understand the first time round, but we discussed what the GP has said to me and it seems to have given him a bit of a kick up the bum mentally.  He realises he has to adjust to this new way of life and make the best of it, and being my brilliant Dad, he has.  He still doesn't have the strength to look after himself, and its doubtful he ever will, but I am happy to keep cooking and washing for him.  Not so happy on the shopping front, but thats just me, hate doing my own shopping.  Dad isn't a once a week shopper, so I find myself at the shops at least every other day :o(   

I hope he will be able to manage the visit to the hospital, he needs to go in person now so his abdomen can be examined again.  The GP has said he is happy to do housevisits, and they will talk about his care in time.  That didn't sound too good to me and makes me worry about how bad things are going to get.  I have read about liver failure on the internet so I know roughly how it may go.

When my sister told me her news it shook me.  People often say you never know whats around the corner and its true.  I think I may become a born again live for the moment sort of person!  This is my excuse building up here, though a lot of people wouldn't need an excuse.  Let me explain.  I have wanted a London blue topaz ring for a long, long time, but have never managed to find one just the right shade, size of stone, or price.  Never all three properties at once.  Every few months I look on ebay, and you may remember I bought a blue topaz, but it just wasn't right and I will shortly be trying to sell it!  Anyway, Friday I was bored so started on my search again, and there it was.  A beautiful london blue, right size stone and in my size!!  For the first time ever I thought sod the price, and bought it!  Talk about living dangerously!!  It arrived yesterday and I am so pleased with it, its just fantastic and I love it.  Of course now I am scared I am going to lose the stone because its so beautiful and it would be just my luck!  Anyway, if hubby notices it I will obviously have to spill the beans, but until then?  Well, we all need a little guilty pleasure every now and then :o)

Yet more cr*p :o(

Well doesn't life suck.  My sister has had what she thought was a cateract, which now turns out to be a malignant tumour on the back of her eye.  She has to have her eye removed next month.  The cruel twist to this is that our Mum had cancer which started on her eyelid and spread throughout her body, killing her.  Mum also had to have her eye removed, along with half of her jaw.  What my sis is going through, I can't imagine.  I have fallen apart today, I just can't believe it.  I just feel numb.

Maybe I should go back to bed = ha ha

Ok, lets get down to business.  Who decided that today would be "one of those days"?  I certainly didn't, yet so far it is!

For a while Richs' phone has been freezing when he tries to use it and I have had a few half hearted attempts to get it sorted.  This morning I took the proverbial bull by the horns and stuck it out trying to get thru to Virgin Mobile.  Well, twenty minutes and heaven only knows how many options later, I finally got to speak to a person.  Admittedly, he was south african I couldn't understand him very well, but he was certainly real.  I have this thing about people not being understood.  My older two offspring say I am racist - this is not at all the case, but I feel that people who can't speak English and be understood should not be dealing with the public!  I hate the south african accent and find it hard to decipher, especially over a phone line, so the phone call involved a fair amount of guess work on my part!  Anyway, upshot of it all was that I needed Richs' phone with me so he could diagnose the problem.  Of course, Rich has taken it to school so that's that until tonight.

Next it was tea making.  I am working this afternoon and so prepared a lasagne for everyone so I don't have to cook when I get home.  No mushrooms.  Not a big deal, but we eat a lot of mushrooms in our house and it just doesn't seem right without them!  Ok, mince prepared, lasagne sheets softening in the simmering water, lets get on with the sauce.  First "oh bugger" was too much flour, so instead of a paste I had a lot of lumps.  Should have rectified it but carried on, got lots to do this morning.  Add the milk, of which I have now run out!  Bugger, still lumpy.  Look for my whisk.  Now, I need to ask you, have you pinched/hidden my whisk?  I can't make a roux without it.  Ended up using a fork, which took the bottom of the supposedly non stick pan off so now there are black bits in the sauce. That was the second "oh bugger" moment.  I then left the sauce to thicken whilst I sorted out the sheets of lasagne into the dish.  They were hot! "Oh bugger and ouch!"  Drain the water, and half the sheets into the sink.  Big sighs all round.  Ok, sheets into the dish, mince on top, more sheets.  Then I remember the cheese sauce thickening, or burning.

  Some days I am not safe to be let loose.  Anyway, the lasagne is prepared, in the oven on the self timer, and hopefully Becky will get it out and onto the plates safely.  Forgot to tell the children I am working so have texted them so they don't wonder where I am.  As long as there is food left for them they won't miss me lol.

I have walked the dog and done two loads of washing.  Am I crazy?  I also need to pop to Yate to get more milk so I can have a cuppa and sort out Dads lunch and tea before I go to work.  I hope that by this afternoon I will be more capable and the rest of the day runs smoothly.  Of course, I could spill mouthwash over the patients, drop instruments on the floor, take someones tonsils out and fall off the stool.  The list is endless.  Now I have myself worried.  Just thankful the patients can't read this blog. Ha ha!

wee beasties and fantasies

As we all know, I am feeling rather crappy at the moment.  I usually have a packet of painkillers handy by my bed to take in the night if needed, but have run out.  Hence, 3am this morning, I was to be found downstairs raiding the medicine cupboard.  I turned on the kitchen light, to be confronted by a mouse on the draining board.  We have had mice ever since we moved in.  Rosie (the cat!) manages to keep the population down for us, but is showing no interest this year.  Hmmm, not pulling her weight now she's 17! 

What is it with mice?  They have this look.  It sort of mesmerises you and glues you to the spot, and then the gooey, aren't I sweet look hits them!  I has to be the size of their eyes in comparison to their body. *sigh* Anyway, it works with me every time, and I told it to get back under the sink and off my draining board.  Mice, along with spiders it seems, don't understand English.  Flippin thing took to hiding behind my CD player instead.  I made a mental note to get the kitchen spray out in the morning and clean all the surfaces, took my tablets and headed off to bed.  Maybe tonight I will lock the cat in the kitchen and leave the cupboard door under the sink open!

That wasn't my only encounter with the wild creature world yesterday.  Many of you will know of the spider in the shower, well now meet its cousin, spider in the bathroom!  Rich called me to say he had a wasp in his room and could I get it out for him.  (Just call me pest control).  Having duly captured and deposited the sleepy wasp out of the window I needed a wee.  Sorry, but it happens!!  Went into the main bathroom, sat down, minding my own business (no pun intended!) when for some reason I looked up.  Oh, I wish I hadn't.  There on the wall was a spider, ambling along from the bath end of the room to the door.  I don't mind spiders, but I am not really keen being held hostage.  Not alot I could do but hope that it stayed just below the ceiling and kept moving!  Typically it stopped by the light pull, but I ignored it, just going a wee bit faster as I exited.

All this talk reminds me I need to treat the cat for fleas.  She hasn't got them, but its the regular treatment time.  The pets need a calendar of their own to remind me when they need worming, de-fleaing etc.  I used to get a reminder from the vet, but since buying the various remedies online this has obviously stopped.  Still, so much money saved :o)

Right, thats it for now.  Have just got time to do the ironing before going to Dads.  I am sure I was swapped at birth you know!  Surely I belong in a very rich family setting where life runs smoothly, money is no problem, housework is done by servants etc etc.  No?  It is a fantasy, just like the one where a rich man waits for me at the checkout at Tesco and offers to pay my shopping bill each week!  Oh, and the one when I occasionally browse the jewellers window and someone says I can have any ring I want!  How sad am I lol.  Notice how all these fantasies involve money and nothing else.  Oh god, maybe I am getting old after all ...............

Tubthumping!

Feeling incredibly low today.  At least the shopping is done, I am sure Morrisons is cheaper than Tesco, but having said that the fridge still looks bare.  Probably because it is!  I know the children will come home and say there is nothing to eat, and they would be correct in their view.  Sadly, telling them to have toast or cheese and crackers doesn't quite come up to standard.

I think I am down because of being so tired.  I want to get off the treadmill of life for a bit and chill.  I suppose if sleeping when I get a spare moment counts as chilling then I have got my wish!  I know the crash is coming and as I have said before, I know I will get back up.  It brings to mind a song .  Lets see if this link works!
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/kS-zK1S5Dws" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> 

 Or try this link maybe?
http://youtu.be/kS-zK1S5Dws

Anyway, its Tubthumping by Chumbawamba.   It just keeps popping into my head so there must be a reason for it!

I also have to say goodbye to another one of my toyboys! (Rach and I have decided that because of Dads illness Josh will go to nursery on Wednesdays.  Sad, but its for the best.)  The other toyboy I have said goodbye to is Rich, not my Rich, Tesco Rich.  Along with Ed, Rich has made Tesco a slightly better place to shop. Despite the fact that he can be too sarcastic for his own good sometimes, he makes me smile and last week he even managed to cheer me up for a bit!  Rich, the bread aisle will never be the same, but enjoy Uni!
Luckily Ed is staying on, but once the new store opens I fear everyone will be lost within its bowels, never to be seen or heard again!! Maybe they will install satnav on the trolleys!!

Anyway, I need to go.  Its getting to be the time I go to Dads to sort out some lunch for him.  ttfn x

Frustration and tears!

Saturday: Matthew arrives at Dads to cook his breakfast.  Dad asleep in chair downstairs, sausages cooking in frying pan!!

Sunday:   I go to do Dads breakfast.  Arrive to find Dad asleep on chair in kitchen doorway with fishfingers burning in frying pan!  Dish up, talk to Dad about cooking breakfast, remind him about timetable I made for him showing who is doing what and when.  Change his sheets and tell him I will sort out with Erica for her to change them twice a week and I will wash and dry them. Dry him after his shower and snuggle him in bed.  Struggling big time with M.E :o(

Monday:  Matthew arrives at Dads to cook his lunch.  Dad already trying to cook it!  Trying to poach an egg but put it in microwave for 10 mins.  I go and sort out his tea.  Remind him again about timetable.

Tuesday:  Sarah cooks Dads lunch as I am working.  There is a bag of wet washing for me.  Erica has changed his sheets at Dads request.  Arggghhhhhh!  I sort out tea and remind him that I said I would sort out with Erica the bed change.  He looked so sad I couldn't be angry.  He said he is so confused that maybe he had better just leave it all to me.

Wednesday:  Reasonably good day, no confusions!

Thursday  :  Not a good day.  Dad not feeling too good so I take his lunch upstairs to him.  We chat about various things, including the timetable and add a visitor for Friday.  I tell Dad that I will be back later to sort out his tea, which I prepared at lunchtime to save me time later on.  Remind him, quite forcibly not to leave his bed.  Pop to Tesco to buy some potato salad to go with his tea on the way to his house.  Get a phone call from Matthew to say that Dad has phoned to say he has had his tea and has gone back to bed.  Now this for me was just one step too much!  Hence I was to be seen publicly crying in Tesco.  Not a good look chaps. 

I am such an emotional person and I am very tired at the moment.  The two do not sit well together.  The frustration is just too much.  I don't scream, I cry!!  Go to Dads and remind him I was coming to sort out his tea.  He said that he woke up and looked at the clock and it was 17.01  which he mistook as being 7 o'clock, so he found his tea in the fridge and had it.

What do I do?  Nothing.  Its not his fault he is getting confused, and I am getting angry.  I am going to look out for a big clock to put in his bedroom.  Matthew has suggested a white board instead of the paper timetable and we write on it each day.  How has it come to this?  I have read the internet articles on liver failure, and I know that his confusion can be contributed to that.  It can also be because he is soo tired all the time.  Who knows?  He has a consultants appointment at the end of the month.  If he is still not well enough to go to it Matthew and I will go alone.  Maybe it will be easier to ask questions without Dad there.  Hopefully there will be some answers ............................

finally found 10 mins!

Its been a long time since I had the spare time to sit and blog.  To be honest, even if I had time I don't think I would have put my thoughts down.  It has been a rollercoaster for my emotions, usually depending on how my Dad has appeared each day I go to see him, and its usually been on the downward spiral.  If Dad had an up day and managed to go into his study for his meals I would be elated, only to crash down when he couldn't manage it the following day.  The trouble is, I am a very emotional person and feed off my surroundings, fantastic at a gig but not so good as a nurse!!  I am also sooo tired.  Have managed to keep the M.E at bay with painkillers and crashing out when I can, but its getting harder.

The latest news on Dad is that for the past two days he has managed to come downstairs for an hour or two and sit in the chair.  He is still being sick, with no apparent rhyme or reason as to when or why, some days he can eat proper food and then has to revert to mush.  The last lot of blood tests showed that his kidney function is up slightly, but his liver function is down.  The GP warned that any illness, cold,   bug etc would knock him badly and it would impact on his liver function.  Basically, the prognosis at the moment is that his liver is failing and he will have good days and bad, and we have to adjust accordingly.  It is not due to old age but I guess at 82 something was bound to get him, especially when you bear in mind he has countless other things wrong with him!

I have struggled at times, crashed, picked myself up and carried on.  The main thing is that I have missed my friends.  The times I would normally have been able to see them I have been at Dads, and by the time I get home and cook tea for hubby and the children, cleared up etc all I am fit for is collapse.  Rach has rectified this over the last few days when I outpoured to her and has popped in at weird and wonderful times, taking home my ironing and bringing it back a day later.  I love that woman :o)

I have managed to get over and visit the duckies.  Wow, so many of them now and all of them slightly different from each other.  A lot of partner swapping been going on by the looks of things!  It seems to be the hungry season and they tend to jump out of the pond now in their haste for food.  I have taken to scattering their corn around the bench and just sitting and watching with a stupid grin on my face.  So much noise too, I just love it.  I wish I could just sit there all day.

I should mention that Matthew is helping me out, doing Dad his breakfast, and lunch on the days I work, and doing what he can at home.  The children have been fantastic, considering they have virtually been ignored for the last 6 weeks or so, they haven't moaned or complained, apart from the fact they don't get their tea now until 7.30 which causes a few grumbles.  Can't say I blame them, I usually forget to feed myself at lunch time so tea time is a long way away!  Specks hasn't complained that his walks have got shorter and more erratic, but maybe the fact he rushes to the door each time I go out is an indicator in itself!  No, the children won't take him out because they don't like to pick up his poo!

Right, I guess I should stop there and get the washing on, clean out the piggies and maybe go mad and have a cuppa before heading out with Specks.  ttfn x

on the edge

I am so unbelievably knackered.  I am running on empty, on the verge of tears all the time and my brain is whirring round, but empty.

 Dad came home a week ago and is bedbound.  His blood pressure is still low, despite stopping two of the meds that can drop it.  Still no diagnosis as to what is wrong with him and I feel like I am bumbling around in the dark.  Not going to write any more cos I am multi tasking and preparing our tea whilst I have half an hour spare.  Don't think I am going to last much longer before I collapse in a heap.  Of course, I will pick myself up again and carry on because there is no other choice.

Oh to go to bed and be able to sleep properly, that would help. 

Day 13 and hes home.

Well Dad came out of hospital last night, very frail, very weak and with a diagnosis of liver cancer.  He finally had a drain put in on Tuesday which relieved him of 8 LITRES of fluid.  I am so cross they left him so long.  Bloody consultants.  Bloody watch and wait policies. 

I am more upset now he his home and I can see how far downhill he has gone.  The fear of him dying has kicked in more now.  Its like he has given up and everything is too much effort.  I just hope that time will work magic and bring him more to the Father I know he is.  He still has the drain in place but the hospital don't want to see him for 4 months.  Get this - he is supposed to empty the bag himself and take the drain out when he feels there is no more fluid leaking out.  Don't think so!  Not even the suggestion of a visit either to or from a district nurse to take the drain out and ensure the wound is ok.  FFS.  Am I cross? Just a wee bit!!  I will be on the phone to the gp to try and sort something out, lets hope the after care is as good as the care he got before he was admitted.

Well thats my update.  I need to go and do some shopping and then get back to Dads.

Day 11 and still no further forward

This morning I felt good.  We have finally got the walls painted in the lounge and I love the colour, that made me happy.  Woke up in a good mood, and actually managed to get going with odd jobs.  Remembered at the last minute I had promised Caroline I would take Noodles out, so packed Specks into the car and went to pick up the demon dog. 

I drove them both to the end of the common by the railway station, not gone in that way before.  We had a lovely walk, the sun was out, sky was blue, a buzzard was circling - maybe to grab ratdog? lol.  That dog has so much energy its unbelievable.  We were out for an hour, and he was still pestering Specks to play when I dropped him back home.  My poor dog was on his last legs, black and brown not being good colours for blazing sun!  I was feeling really relaxed for a change, but sadly it didn't last as long as I would have liked.

Visiting time again.  I drove around for 20 minutes trying to find a parking space, and in the end just parked on the side of the road.  My poor car was near to overheating and I just didn't want to keep going.  Got to the ward at nearly 3 o'clock, frazzled and pi**ed off.  Dad is very tired.  He says he feels like he is just being dragged down and down.  Still no flaming scan results and guess what?  Still no fluid drained.  The  consultant told him he needs a liver biopsy done and they may drain the fluid tomorrow.  They better had because its not only Dad who is fed up of all this dilly dallying.  It is not fair on him.  They weigh him every day and can see he is not losing any weight despite being pumped full of diuretics.  Feeling uptight now, grrrrr.

My Will Young CD arrived in the post today, a signed copy no less.  Hmm, he has changed style too.  Think it will need a bit of getting used to - good excuse to play it non stop lol.

And its back to work tomorrow.  Feel like I have been home forever!  Still its a good start, James in the surgery, and if he has kept his word, shortbread to munch on from his holiday in Scotland.  Yayyyy.  Only downside is that I am working Wednesday afternoon too, I really struggle doing afternoons.  Ah well, if I fall asleep no doubt somone will wake me up!

saturday ...

I had an afternoon off from visiting Dad yesterday and went in the evening instead.  Had a lovely day, a normal day!  Took Rich to the barber, successful hair cut for a change, pottered around, took the children to Oldbury Court along with the dog and skateboard.  I will interject here that obviously the dog cannot use a skateboard, but Rich can!  Came home, watched Scott Pilgrim vs the world.  Weird film, but amusing.  Made tea and then off to the hospital.

The preliminary results show that there is scarring and a small blockage in Dads liver.  Thats it so far!  The more time is going on, the more I am beginning to think there is nothing drastic wrong with him.  Yes, he has ascites, the fluid in his abdomen, which is obviously very uncomfortable, but the cause is eluding the medical team.  I trawl the internet each time I get a new bit of non information from them and make my own assessment.  Maybe its something to do with his pancreas and diabetes.  He is having more tests next week and maybe home Wednesday.  I have to say that last night he was the most relaxed I have seen him.  He had a hypo after his CT scan in the morning, and was "out of it".  He said he could hear people speaking to him but in no way could he respond.  It is the worst one he has had, but then as he said, when he is at home he always has a glucose gel on him to take, at hospital they take all your medication from you!

Matthew is going to visit this afternoon with Rich, so I am having another "free" day.  Yayyy, Tesco here I come!  As usual I have an ironing mountain which needs wading through, and housework to avoid.  My duckies are neglected, only one visit last week, so that will be on the list too.  The M.E weariness has well and truly kicked in and is reaching the stage where I can't really work through it, so maybe a lie down this afternoon will be on the cards as well. 

I guess that is about it.  Nothing going on much really and if there is I can't remember it!  Sarah, Rob and Emma all went home on Thursday and the house is now very peaceful.  I love my family, but have found this week a bit hard.  I need to be alone at times and there was just nowhere to hide lol.  Rob and Emma bought be a beautiful bunch of flowers to cheer me up, bless em.  A lovely surprise and very much appreciated.  I love getting flowers, especially if someone other than me has bought them!

Anyway, onward and upwards - maybe back to bed!

a day off

Today is my youngest daughters' 14th birthday, how time flies!  It also means a day off for me from visiting Dad.  I willingly said I would still visit, but he said to stay at home and he would phone Becky to wish her happy birthday.  To be honest I think it is becoming a strain for him.  He wants me to visit, and has a list of a couple of people he is happy to see, but it seems to take it out of him having to be sociable.  At least with me it doesn't matter if he doesn't want to talk.

I had a phone call from work today asking me to cover for holidays, which I am happy to do, but I do feel a bit under pressure with Dad being ill.  They understand that at the moment life is a waiting game and we are in limbo until we get some concrete results from Dads blood tests, scans, fluid tests etc.  I think that is what is getting Dad down too, the not knowing for sure.  At least when we know we can plan for whatever is thrown at us - hopefully.  Husband and I have discussed whether it is viable for us to keep Dad in his home and try between us to have one of us there all the time, or whether we should turn the dining room into a makeshift bedroom and have Dad here.  Obviously for us, it would be easier if he came here, but that may not be best for him.  Again, limboland.

Anyway, must go, got a birthday brownie cake to cover with fresh cream and strawberries!  Sickly or what lol.

crumbling

Okay, I am now officially knackered.  Doesn't take long does it?!  Dad had a sample of the fluid taken from his abdomen yesterday - resembled a reddish yellow tomato soup with bits, according to him.  Ewwww.  Thanks for that Pops!!  The registrar, lovely man, had a chat with me and said that their first thought is cancer, possibly of the liver, and that if that is cofirmed by the test result the next step would be a CT scan to find out just where its coming from.   They would then decide if and how to treat it.  He was totally frank with me and Dad has asked him to speak to me before he talks to Dad as he can get confused.  We have also agreed, Dad and I that is, that we will be totally honest with each other whatever the news and outcome.

That is all for now.  I so desperately want to break down and have a bloody good sob, but am trying to remain "strong".  Wonder how long that will last.  Keep finding my eyes leaking, a weak human trait according to Princess Aurora in Flash Gordon!

Day 3 in hospital

Lets think, ah yes, its Sunday.  Woke at 6.20 and couldn't get back to sleep.  Think I slept slightly better last night.

Visited Dad this afternoon.  He has had an xray which showed fluid "from his neck down", not just in his abdomen.  Things look bleaker every time I see him.  He is supposed to have a sample of the fluid taken for tests tomorrow, and hopefully they will also put in a drain.  Once the fluid has been analysed we will know what we are dealing with for certain.  Today I am struggling and cannot lift my mood.  I will be glad when we know once and for all what is wrong and then we can move forward and plan.

I think I may have had a visit last night, but can't be sure.  I was sat in the lounge and suddenly smelt the aroma of flowers.  No one owned up to having been to the downstairs loo and used the fragrant hand wash, so not sure what it was.  It was sort of comforting though.

Sarah, Rob and Emma are home for Beckys birthday on Wednesday.  They make so much noise, I am having to stay out of their way.  Too much exuberance!  Love them all to bits tho, nutters the lot of them!

catching up on Dad

I am so unbelievably tired.  I haven't been sleeping well lately, waking so many times in the night it feels like I may as well be up.  Stress probably not helping.  Well not stress, but worry.  The GP admitted Dad to hospital yesterday in an effort to make him more comfortable.  Since our holiday two weeks ago he has not been able to eat more than a small bowl of porridge a day, and has been sick at least once every day.  Also, drinking makes him feel sick so he has not had much fluid in him either.  His stomach would make an 8month pregnant woman proud!  So, he has had blood tests, which show his platelet level down, PSA level up.  Chest xray, not had the results yet, an ultra sound yesterday, which showed fluid in his abdomen, and the reason for the hospital admittance.  The GP suspects bowel cancer, and has already got him a fast track appointment to a specialist next week.  We all decided, GP, Dad and myself, that he would benefit from having a drain put in to get rid of the fluid and ease the pressure on his abdomen, so off we toddled to Frenchay.  I left Dad having an ECG as part of his admitting procedures and came home.

Dad phoned later to say he had seen a consultant who has diagnosed Cirrhosis of the liver, and suspects the fluid is blood from his spleen or pancreas.  He will have tests on Monday and they won't put a drain in until then, so is in hospital for the weekend, which we knew he would be anyway.  Dad is happy.  I am not.  For the past couple of days I have been forcing myself to look on the black side, a sort of self preservation tactic.  I have trawled the net, and most articles say that the fluid in the abdomen stage is a late stage of liver disease and not a good sign.   I am going to carry on assuming the worst.  As my Father has always told me, "Expect the worst and you are seldom disappointed!". 

I am in no way wishing the worst on him, I just know I will fall apart when the time comes for his end and I am trying to prepare myself.  He is my friend as well as my Father.  I see him more than I see my friends.  No need to say I will feel lost without him.

Sorry its such a down blog.  I need to get things out of my head.  Too much tumbling around in my tiny brain!

Gladrags and confessions!

"You're not getting any fudge!!!"  OMG!  How cruel and heartless some friends can be lol.  I am now going to name and shame Mr Richard Stenner, although he just doesn't care!  *sigh*  I do like a bit of fudge .............


Lets, see now.  I am pleased to say the the ironing pile is now more of a pimple than the previously written about mountain.  A few shirts remain, and two of those are Richards new school shirts, and not terribly important at the moment.  The one good thing about trying to kit him out for his prom was that I bought black school trousers, and husband bought white school shirts in an attempt to make him look delectable.  In the end he wore none of the items, but it means that he is kitted out for school.  Yayyyy.  Just Becky to go.

My youngest daughter wants skin tight black trousers for school.  Not allowed obviously, but "everyone else wears them and gets away with it".  Hmmm, not so sure when its a new school year.  I hate buying her trousers/jeans/shorts.  She is so beautifully slim, but tall, and the clothes manufacturers just don't cater for figures like hers it seems.  I am going to take her to the shops yet again today in an attempt to buy her clothes for her birthday, and if that is unsuccessful, she is going to Bristol with her friend on Saturday.  I don't like to tell her that the money I drew out for her birthday has been spent on the weeks food shop!!  I am not a very good juggler sometimes, although I have had plenty of practise as have a lot of people. 

My Dad is still not well, and yesterday saw us at the doctors surgery yet again.  She is so lovely, and when I mentioned tea and cakes as a treat she got quite excited bless her.  He has another appt on Friday morning with her, an appointment to have cancerous moles removed Friday afternoon, and then next Thursday an appt to check for bowel cancer, or hopefully, the absence of it!  I keep reciting to myself "He is 82" like a mantra.  As Rob said when I let it all flood out, no matter how prepared I am, I will be upset.  My children know how soft and emotional I am.  I am lucky to have them, I love them all to bits and am so proud of them, even tho they all think I am batty!  Every time Becky says "I worry about you Mum" I reply back "You should worry about yourself, because I am your future and this is what you will become"   I do like to scare her lol.  Sarah has in fact started to make terrible puns.  Yayyyy, atta girl.  Its weird.  Although they have lived mainly with me, I see so much of their fathers' mannerisms in them.  Scares the hell out of me!  Where am I in them?  They are smart, intelligent, eloquent, say the same little things he does.  Somewhere along the lines, I have been missed out!  Well, maybe not in Sarahs case :o)  I had better just qualify here that their Dad is not a bad man, far from it (eewww, eewww, ewww!  Fancy admitting that in public), he just wasn't the right person for me after a while.

Moving on!!

Oh eck, that has totally disrupted the flow of thoughts now.  Maybe instead of moving on I will just end it.  The blog that is!!  I hear the kettle calling and my book thinks I could do with reading some more.  Cuppa and gruesome murder, here I come.

Did I say I couldn't be arsed? lol

Do you know what?  I just can't be arsed to blog!  This is a very bad sign, cos normally I have some rubbish to spout forth, so I am making the effort now.  Yayyy!

Lets see, whats been happening.  Well, I guess not much actually.  Maybe thats the reason for the lack of mumblings.  We have been back from our holiday for 2 weeks now, and I still haven't managed to wade through the enormous pile of ironing.  Of course, its not helped by the fact that my family will insist on wearing clothes every day, which need washing and ironing.  So selfish!  Maybe I should pop to Tesco and get some wheelie bin bags and make them wear those until I have managed to catch up :o).  I am, of course, exempt from this idea, even a wheelie bin liner would probably not fit, and as it is me who does the ironing I can make the rules. 

The weather, typically for an english summer, has gone downhill.  I have to say, we do seem to be quite lucky with the sun for our holiday, although I am beginning to think that husband and I went to different destinations this year.  I thought the weather was lovely, I seem to remember sunbathing and paddling, even going as far as to wear my swimsuit on one occasion.  Sorry, just don't picture it, you will all be fine!  He, on the other hand, didn't think the weather was very good!  Maybe its a bit of the glass half empty syndrome?  I do actually wish I was back there, it was so peaceful.

I have only managed to see my duckies twice since getting home.  Part of the reason for this is ratdog!  I seem to be dogsitting and he is a bit of a terror, so I avoid the park when I have him.  Also, the park just isn't the same when it is full of people.  Again, selfish!  My park, my ducks!  Oops, sounds a bit like Monsters Playhouse - you will find it in the childrens section of the library lol.

My father continues to be ill, his gp is lovely and it won't be long before we are on first name terms and inviting her to tea!  I have to make jokes because I am very worried, he is on a fast track appt to check for bowel cancer now.  I hope its not, but as he has prostate cancer and leukemia, it will just be one more thing to add to the mix.  The downside is that his stomach is very bloated and swollen and he cannot keep food or drink down him atm.  I keep telling myself he is 82, and trying to be philosophical, but its not always easy.  I am too young emotionally for him to die. 

Talking of age, Captain Ed was 21 last week.  I dropped a token present off to him and we were talking about celebrating 18ths, 21sts etc.  I could not remember what I did for my 21st.  I know I had an 18th because it snowed, but 21?  Nope.   Then it came to me.  The obvious reason actually.  I am only 18, so I HAVEN'T HAD MY 21st YET!!   Silly me!  Watch out for your invites lol.

Still on the subject of age, its Beckys birthday next week.  She would like clothes so I dutifully took her to the Mall (my idea of hell) and traipsed round after her for 4 hours.  Four hours!!!!  I need a medal, I am a bloody fantastic mother!!  Anyway, we came home with £30 of makeup (!) and 2 tops, sore feet (me), a need for a sit down (me) and not a lot else.  *sigh*  She asked me the most stupid question ever last week.  "Mum, have you got an eyebrow pencil?"  That gave me a good laugh.  I sometimes look at my daughters and wonder if they are actually mine!  I am continually being told off for not shaving, legs that is, not beard!, plucking my eyebrows, moisturising.  That makes me sound like a right slob, I assure you I am not, I just don't really have any interest in the beauty regime I guess.  I got told off by Rach for not moisturising my feet as well last week.  Maybe I need to kick myself up the bum and start joining the women!

One of my friends has just come back  from Devon and I awaiting the call to say that my fudge is ready to be picked up.  Good job I am not holding my breath and am fully awake.  Its a bit like saying I will win the lottery on Friday or Wednesday or whenever it is run.  Still, its a nice dream.  Mmmmm, fudge!

Right, I need to go and do.  Dog to walk, Dad to check up on, dishes to wash, and of course, ironing to do!!

working and holiday blues

Well, first day back to work after my holiday I overslept - woke up at 7am to hear the alarm going off, then went back to sleep until 8.10!  Not a good start lol.  At least I know I am capable of getting up, dressed, breakfasted and out of the house in 20 minutes.  Not sure how I would have managed if the children had been at school tho.  The new bosses came in around lunchtime, they are lovely, and meeting them has put all our minds at rest as to the future.  Phew!  Lets face it, they arrived yesterday to meet us for the first time armed with a box of chocolates and a box of biscuits.  We were sold instantly lol.  Shrewd business move :o)

It was lovely to be working with James again and having sensible conversations.  Well ok then, daft conversations that usually make us laugh, and get weirder and weirder.  He was in a particularly high mood due to the fact that he is off on his holiday on Friday morning, a fact he mentioned just a few times!  This gives me another fortnight off work.  Good in one way as its the school holidays, but then there is the lack of money.  Lets stop there!

I had a phone call from my sister tonight, my Dad is very ill and ended up at an emergency clinic.  He has refused to go into hospital, so they are bringing him home tomorrow. Heaven only knows how they will manage as he keeps being sick apparently.  The doctor who saw him said he is in need of an urgent scan and blood tests as he is showing signs of jaundice.  I really wish I had put my foot down on Saturday, as he wasn't well on Friday.  I rang my sister and warned her Dad wasn't up to staying, but come the Saturday the stubborn old git insisted on going to her house to stay.  I love him to bits, but its us who have to cope with the fall out.

Well, the wallpaper debate has ended - we are going to paint the wall!  We are now debating curtains.  Or blinds!  And if we have curtains do we go across the alcove or around the alcove as they are now?  Blinds get dusty - in that case, NO! lol   I would love to know if other people have this problem with decorating.  I only ever get to discuss it with Rach, and her hubby is just as bad in getting around to things, or finishing things.  Rach does most of the painting in their house.  She does keep offering to come round and help me, but I daren't take her up on the offer.  Don't think hubby would be best pleased!  If you want to hear the outcome, read my blog about it, which will be in a few months time lol.

Right, am off to bed.  Need to be up earlyish to make a GP appt for my Dad.  Maybe I had better turn the alarm up!

Virtual postcard

Well this could be a very long blog, have been away on my hols for a week, so no blogs.  I could tell you everything about the week, like a long blog postcard, but then that would be boring, bit like people showing you their photos - means loads to them but not to you!  Maybe I will just showcase the best bits ..........

Firstly, we went to Cardigan in Wales, and it is a long, long drive!  Even I was saying "are we there yet?" and I was driving!  Went in two cars because eldest daughter and Grandad came with us, plus the dog, and even then space was tight!  Stayed in a bungalow on the cliff, less than 1/4 mile to the edge and the sea.  The bungalows best feature, and it was a nice bungalow btw, was the conservatory that offered a fantastic view over the sea and field behind the house.  There were dolphins and seals to  watch and flocks of canada geese flew over at least twice a day, honking away.  I loved it.  Kept rushing out and running back and forth so the geese flew over my head - amazing :o)  Also, if you believe my kids, very sad, and slightly dangerous in case they poo'd on me! 

The weather was lovely, until Wednesday night when the mist suddenly rolled in.  Creepy, one minute you could see and the next everything outside was white and hidden.  Thursday was a bit drizzly and windy.  Ironic really as that was the day we had booked boat trips.  Many of you will know that I DO NOT DO BOATS, so the trip was for Matthew and the children - Bex and Sarah dolphin spotting, and Matthew and Rich fishing.  There was an hours difference between the  excursions, so we saw Bex and Sarah off on a somewhat choppy sea, then went for a cuppa to warm up a bit.  The time came for Matthew and Rich to go on their trip so off they went, and back they came.  All boat trips were off due to the weather.  Ah, didn't bode well for Sarah and Bex then.  And indeed, when they came back, they were slightly pale to say the least!  The dolphins hadn't shown up, but they were kept entertained by one of the passengers repeatedly throwing up over the side of the boat!!  Neither girls were feeling too good, which was a shame, so we headed off to a cafe to restore them to normal.  Chicken and chips later, and they were feeling well enough to get into another mode of transport (car) and head back to the bungalow!  It was a bit weird, because the weather perked up again Friday.

On the way home I detoured to Llanelli to deposit my Dad with my sister for the second week of his holiday.  It was lovely to see them, and my niece and her children.  Dad is now her responsibility for a while :o)  It is a bit strange already, and bear in mind its only Monday, with him not being around.  By the time I get used to it he'll be back.

Have just come back from a staff meeting to meet the new bosses.  All is looking good, they are lovely people, and hopefully we can all now get back to normality at work and the stress will be over. 

Thats it, I am writing no more!  Got a mountain of ironing to do, need a cup of tea and to put the shopping away cos I ran out of time earlier.  Also, the demon ratdog is here, terrorising Specks and being like a doggy cannonball.  Oh for a bit of his energy lol.

Thursdays child

I have decided that Thursday is my favourite day of the week.  It is the first day I can do what I want without having to stress about other people too much.  Having said that, last Thursday I had ratdog for the day as my friend was on a course!  Still, headed off to the park with both dogs, but without ducky food.  Headed off away from the pond and ratdog immediately found himself another playmate, so I stood chatting for around half an hour whilst the dogs played and then strolled on round the rest of the park.  That little dog has so much energy it is unbelievable, and I wish I had an eighth of it!  All in all we were out for an hour and a half and he was still going strong, despite the fact that Caroline had taken him out before dropping him off to me. Hopefully there is a photo of the two of them together relaxing!

 Got home and tidied up then went to Yate to do some odd jobs and do the dreaded weekly shop.  I also do Dads shopping if he needs it, so this is my excuse for chatting to myself - I was trying to remember what he needed, honest!   

Went and fed the ducks Friday morning and saw the heron.  Yayyy.  Was feeling a bit sad because so far this year it has eluded me, so this cheered me up.  I am happy and more relaxed now too, and have a strange theory about it!  I have wanted a London Blue topaz ring for a while now, and haven't found one that I like or can afford.  Trawled ebay again and came across a picture that although wasn't a london blue, was a beautiful turquoise colour, so bought it.  It took 3 attempts for the payment to go through and I should have picked up then on the "destiny" aspect.  I joked to the seller that I was obviously not meant to have this ring, but she realised she had missed a letter off her email address on her paypal account and that is why the payments weren't processing.  As a thank you for being patient she sent me a pendant to match the ring.  Okay, the ring arrives, and is a pale blue topaz, nothing like the photo.  In itself it is pretty, but nowhere near the colour of the photo, or what I want.  Anyway, I started wearing it.  Now, it may be coincidence, but it gradually became noticable to me that was around that time that my moods were dipping.  I do believe crystals can affect you, I do not do well with malachite, it goes almost black when I wear it instead of green.  I have stopped wearing the ring, and feel happier.  Coincidence?  Almost certainly, but I still feel I was not meant to have that ring.  So, if anyone would like to buy a sky blue topaz ring, size L, I have one for sale!

Friday morning was spent with the lovely Captain Ed, who has been roped into helping my Dad with piano and german lessons, without his knowledge!  Sorry Ed! lol  We had a good chat about paranormal happenings, and I fear I shall be commandeering him again for yet more gossiping :o)  Sorry Ed again?!

Then it was the prom!  The long awaited, hassle causing prom.   Everyone looked so smart, and the boys in particular were on a high - the noise coming from the limo was quite spectacular!  One of the parents had arranged a sleepover for 16 of the children afterwards, and Rich was invited, despite our misgivings.  Sixteen hyper children in a 3 bed house?  Hmmmm.  He wanted to go so we let him ..........................

Twelve thirty am, the texts start!  He is not a happy bunny, is tired, there is too much noise, one of the boys who was asleep has had a smiley face drawn on his bum with permanent marker.  He didn't ask to be picked up, but I found myself at 1am trying to find no. 40, when the garage numbers went 38, 39, 41!  Knocked on the wrong door, but quietly luckily and ended up phoning to say I couldn't find the entrance or in fact, the house!  By the time I had locked up our house on arriving home and gone upstairs, Rich had gone to bed and was asleep!   He slept until 11.30 this morning, bless him.  I am going to go back to bed now lol.

Photos of the prom are on facebook so haven't posted them here.  Chat soon :o) x

Stress mismanagement and a bit of bumbling.

I am stressed and I really don't know why.  I don't like it!  Its almost like I have PMT (sorry guys!) but I don't get that any more thanks to the drugs!  School uniform is stressing me, although there are at least 6 weeks to go before I need to even think about it.  Have bought the new uniform for Sodbury for both Bex and Rich, so just need the trousers and shirts.  That will be a haul in itself for Becky.  Skinnyfit black trousers and a fitted blouse?  Ha, not in the shops round here matey.  Rich is easier, although the panic with him at the moment is his "prom" outfit.  Two days left to find something ffs! 

Each time I go into work something new seems to pop up.  I have suggested the nurses get together to iron things out if we can, but one of them countersuggested a shotgun! lol  We are waiting to win the rollover on the lottery - that would ovbiously sort out all the problems.  I have just sent off yet another payment, £59 this time for the CRB check.  Posted the registration fee of £120 yesterday.  Thats more than half my wages gone for this month then!  Going on holiday in less than a fortnight too.  Hope none of you are expecting postcards and rock!  Come to that, hope my family aren't expecting food!

Just had a thought, perhaps this packet of tablets is a placebo and thats why I feel out of control.  Hmmm, must see a man about some drugs!  Maybe he can come up with a concoction to sort me out *scratches head thoughtfully*  When you think of all the advances made in the world, surely there should be some sort of reliable happy pill available, one that is 100pc sure to work.  A brain sorting out potion would be good too.  When I hear of the tales my son tells about the autistic and special needs children, its heartbreaking and actually horrifying in some cases.

Work is over for another week.  Monday was my last session with Cameron, and he ended it with a lovely hug.  Long time since a young man had his arms around me.  Of course, I hated every minute of it, but endured it for the sake of my job.  I mean, what woman would want a strong young man hugging her?! lol  This morning was mainly check ups which is boring, but that is the way it goes sometimes.  Back in tomorrow for Beckys ortho appointment.

I haven't seen my ducks for a few days now.  Strangely, not been feeling up to it.  Maybe tomorrow will be the day.  It worries me a bit because its something I get a lot of pleasure from.  Must kick myself into gear instead of worrying about not feeling right.  Sarah came with me last time I went and then we went in the wildlife area, me braving the possibility of snakes and or sloworms ewwwww.  Nice walk tho.  Its nice to spend a bit of time with her alone.  Mind you, Sarah wasn't impressed with my duckies or feeding all the ducks.  I swear shes not my daughter lol. 

I joke about that a lot actually.  When I was growing up I was animal mad, out on horses all the time, walking the dog etc.  I went to discos and wore makeup but wasn't mad on fashion and music and shopping.  I have said this before, explaining my lack of housewifely enthusiasm.  My daughters on the other hand, love shopping, fashion, cooking.  My Mum would be proud of them cos she loved cooking and was "a homemaker".  It seems to have skipped a generation big time, and it is always a surprise for me.  When I have to go and buy mascara, foundation or hair straighteners as presents I am flummoxed.  I wonder up and down the aisles and eventually give in and ask a young assistant.  Hairdressers can't believe that I don't own a hairdryer!  I am really bad at looking after myself, my daughters are always telling me to moisturise etc.  Bottom of the heap maybe?  Dunno, just not that way inclined I think!  Should moisturise my hands tho, the handwashing and spirit cleanser at work are punishing!

Right, need to get a wiggle on, Rich has his school play tonight so need to be ultra organized.  Onwards peeps!

And the next day .....

You suffer with the ME flare you knew you would get because of the stress.  Some things in life are sadly too predictable.  Had a chat with a friend, knew I shouldn't because I feel fragile, but wouldn't listen to myself and ended up getting upset.  This friend is indifferent and sarcastic and I don't know why I bother, hopefully I will learn my lesson and just say enough is enough!

Had a good evening, despite the earlier upset.  Hubby went to the beer festival which left me and the children home alone.  I never browse youtube, and realised last night just how much I miss out!  Sarah showed us various funny videos, cute animals exploding and others, and came across this one.  Now, I have a very weird sense of humour, and even now when I think of this I crack up.  I was literally crying, could hardly breath and my sides hurt so much.  The girls were indifferent, Rich found it funny but not like me.  I put the link up on FB but will try and add it here.  It is just the cats bum that sets me off ...................
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WU4NMFeM_jg

Becky and Sarah very kindly wedged my Bagpuss in the lounge window this morning without me knowing, and I finally noticed it and cracked up again.  Bless em :o)  I love my children so much.

Right, got Ratdog here again and Specks hasn't had his walk yet, so need to go out.  Also got to hang the third load of washing out, and do yet another load of ironing.  Who said Sunday is a day of rest?!

***#####*********

I am a mother and as such will defend my children to the ends of the earth.  It helps if they have done no wrong of course, but even so I may well make excuses for them.  What do you do therefore when the person you are defending them against is your husband, their father?  Have a bloody big row, thats what!  I am so angry right now, an emotion I very rarely feel.  All over a haircut.  Sounds trite, but to my son, it is the end of the world.  Oh god, I can't even get it all down on here, just need to let off steam. 
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

how time flies

Strangely I haven't been able to blog for a while.  Weird for me!  Anyway, I realise that I am stressed at the moment, its taken a while to sink in why I have been feeling odd lately, but that is my diagnosis.  Little things which I could normally cope with are getting to me, and I really don't want to be bothered with things.  I am not even visiting my ducks as much.  I can hear the cries of horror now!  Its one of those times when I would like to lock myself away and let everyone get on without "mums intervention".  The comments I can normally brush off hurt, and I am ouching a bit too much.  The protective bubble needs to be put into place, but by the time I remember its too late.  Pah, crappy memory wins again.  I will do it now and ask for it to be kept in place, maybe that will work.  We are off on holiday in two weeks, that will help, a bungalow on the cliff miles from anywhere, bliss!  Just got to try and keep Dad in bed beyond 5am!!

Although my oldest "children" are 25 and 22, I still worry about them.  I guess as a parent you never stop worrying.  I know Dad still worries about us, so there is living proof.  My son works as a TA with special needs children, mainly autistic children, and the stories I hear are not nice.  I admire him and am so very proud of him, as I am with all my children, but I wish he was doing a different job.  His fiancee let slip that he is ill a lot and on questioning Rob it appears it is probably due to the child he is currently working with.  All I can say is ewwww, and I will leave it at that!  I know we all want the best for our children, but life isn't all chocolate drops and roses, no matter what our wishes.   My daughter is going through the pain of a break up.  He is on my hitlist, and again, I will say no more! 

I have noticed that my girls jump out of the pond now when I go to feed them, well, my girls and the one who has had a sex change!  This just fuels my theory that they do actually recognise me!  Yesterday I went to a feed supply shop and bought 10kg of duck food.  If I was reckless it would go on one visit, but I must make it last for a week at least lol.  They do seem to appreciate the corn more than the bread.

Have booked tickets to see Will Young in October.  Its going to be a busy month, The Feeling, Stephen Merchant and Mr Young.  Shame the Will Young gig is in Swindon, bit of a dive in my humble opinion, but hey ho, I regretted not seeing him when he came to Bristol 2 years ago and made a pact that I would def see him next time he is in this area.  It was either Swindon or Cardiff, and I find Cardiff a real pain so "the dive" won out.

Think thats about it for now.  Whenever I post a blog I always think of things I was going to mention but forgot,  think I need a notebook.  How sad is that!  Off for a cuppa and then to see Captain Ed about one of his rather intrigueing blogs ............................

plop!

Yup plop!  Erggghhhh.  Struggling and on a downer at the moment.  Struggling to control the pain and have run out of prescription pain killers.  Maybe I should get some clippings and try smoking grass - it can't do any less than the over the counter meds!  Itscrap being a dental nurse when your wrists and hands are so painful, there is a lot of mixing invoved in the job which just doesn't help.  I have both wrists splinted up at the moment.  Feeling sorry for me yet?  Don't worry, I am feeling sorry enough for myself.  Sleep is a blissful escape, but if I sleep during the day too much it affects my night sleep, which is bad enough.  I have such vivid dreams - I was invited to tea with the queen last night on christmas day and her chauffeur turned up 4 hours late.  I was not amused!   I was sooo cross because she had ruined christmas day that I refused to take part.   Then I found out that everything we said was being taped which made me even madder. Weird or what! Just don't analyse me, it might be too scary.

Ducks, six more baby ducklings and two older ones have appeared on the pond.  After buying seed for the duckies, I have discovered that ducklings don't like seed, probably because they don't go under water to find it.  I am taking down bread and seed for now, much to hubbys displeasure, waste of money.  We waste a lot of bread anyway - Tesco's unsliced bakery bread does not, no matter what the "master baker" says, stay fresh for more than a day.  Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish, but good for the ducks.  I also noticed that whilst the ducklings are quite self sufficient when it comes to feeding themselves, moorhen chicks are not.  The chicks are almost the same size at the parents, but rely on them to find food for them and feed them.  This means an incessant high pitched sort of squeak permeates the air.  Annoying.  Mirandas' mother was very vocal as always, she's a right old gossip lol.

I am being pestered to go and keep Rich company whilst he learns to skateboard.  His Dad is worried about the amount of time he spends on the xbox, but at the moment they seem to clash, so Rich and I have worked out a timetable for it.  I have ventured up in the loft, standing on my reiki couch and using a crutch to pull the skateboard towards me, so now he is mobile in one more way - scooter, bike, skateboard, oh and legs of course!  I used to be able to skateboard a long time ago, but my sense of balance is rubbish due to M.E so can't help him much now (thats my excuse and I am sticking to it! Actually, its not an excuse as those who know me will know of my frequent trips, falls and visits to hospital!)

Have made a "date" to meet up with Ed (toyboy for Michelles information lol) in the week.  Will look forward to that.  Apart from that its the usual work, work, Josh, Dad etc, with a bit of bed, housework and dog walking thrown in somewhere along the line.  I am looking forward to my holiday, only a few weeks now. Yayyy.

Its back

Edit

Its back again

by Jill Stroud on Thursday, June 30, 2011 at 9:33am

Its back!  Well, not the same one, but another one to take its place.  There I was, usual pose, hair full of shampoo, body nicely shower gelled, and then I saw it.  Couldn't fail really.  Long, long legs, coming down the wall towards me.  What is it with spiders and showers?  I have this theory that the water must splash on the invisible web, so spider thinks "ah, food" and down it comes.  I know shouting at it makes no difference, but I still do it, flattening my body (hah, thats a comedy in itself!) against the cubicle door.  I don't mind spiders, unless they are thick and hairy, but I do not want them in the shower with me.  There is a place for them, and that is outside.  Obviously I have to get under the water to rinse off but I really don't want to turn my back on this spider cos by now it is almost waist height.  Still, bravery wins out and I grit my teeth, rinse my body and hair, and turn around.  Thankfully spider has decided to become a voyeur and stay where it is!  Out I hop, (did I mention losing a leg in fright? lol) and squeeze the water out of my hair all over the floor without thinking.  I must think of a way of spiderproofing the shower cubicle.  Don't need the stress that early in the morning!

Well that is all I am going to say at the moment.  I went to the park with Josh yesterday, with him constantly asking where the party had gone, to find 6 new ducklings swimming around.  Need I say more?  Guess where I am off to now.  Tesco can wait. As long as there is food in the kitchen by the time the children come home all is good.

Oh, actually, the mention of Tesco reminds me of my latest gaff.  Maybe it will be a Morrisons day to be safe.  I was at the self service check out on Tuesday and as usual there was a young assistant hovering - male on this occasion.  He was being told by a more senior member of staff to clear out the tags from the tills.  Young man was obviously having an "I don't want to work and its nearly home time" moment and was moaning, saying he just wanted to go home. He was told to just do it, and as I walked past him I said "aw, you can come home with me if you like".  The poor lad went white and ran for his life. Ha haha.  All I meant was he could sneak out but obviously it came out all wrong, typical Jill fashion.  I am not in the habit of picking up young men in Tesco, honest.  Well, ok, there are a couple I would take home, they know who they are, but hey, I'm only human, and far from dead yet!! lol

Will report back later re duckies :o)

Brain dead day

Gosh it was hot yesterday, but not sunny.  Work was the expected nightmare, gloves and mask making us feel like we were in a tropical jungle.  I used on average 3 pairs of gloves per patient, but don't tell the boss.  Windows were open, fans were on, and it was still hot.  One of the male patients lightened the mood by asking me to "unchain him".  Goes well with the latex theme I thought lol.  He was referring to the chain holding the bib down in case you are all wondering what goes on in Frampton!  The fan was blowing the bibs around so we put a chain on them to weight them down and keep them in place.  Did I mention that last week as I was clearing up, the dentist I work with, 27 and fit, rubbed my shoulder and thanked me?  Well this week I was cleaning the instruments in the sink and he came up and hugged me goodbye.  I was so shocked I nearly lost a probe down the plug hole!  I am a bit worried about next week I have to say - most unlike me where young men are concerned!  Bless his cottons.  He is leaving at the end of July, so what will happen then I don't know.  Changes are afoot ......................................

Ratdog is here again, my mate is moving her "stuff" into her new house and "wondered if I could have him for a bit so he's not under her feet".   No problem.  Speckle loves playing with him, he is one of the few dogs (if you can call him a dog) that he does play with.  Not the bravest of dogs, 6 inches off the floor is obviously the perfect playmate for him.  I do need to go to Yate tho, not quite sure how to manage that one.  Will probably wait until the children get home from school to dogsit.

My brain, well no, not my brain, my mind, is on overdrive at the moment.  It has a lot to think about, but is on spin speed and the thoughts are all whirring around meaning I can't concentrate on anything.  I should be used to it but its disrupting.  I have so much to write about, and I think that I will save it up so I don't become a serial blogger, but it all slips away.  It was going to be so interesting too!  Maybe I should just sit down and see what flows without censoring it.

Ok, heres one - bloody ratdog has mauled one of my piggies.  I thought they were both in the hutch, and put the gate across to keep them out of the garden, but obviously Dougie was in the garden.  Went to the kitchen for a drink and looked out the window to see the sodding dog on my piggie.  *cries - lots*  Poor dougie is very bruised and has got chunks of hair missing.  I have put him in a box with lots of blankets and a cover over him to see if he recovers ok - hes very shocked atm.  I feel so bloody guilty, I should have double checked they were both safe.  Sodding dog is now yapping at the window because he can't get to the cat.  Him and me have fallen out big time.  There will be all hell let loose when Matthew comes home because he doesn't like me looking after Ratdog as it is, and he keeps telling me something will get the piggies.  I can feel a big fat "I told you so" coming on at the very least.  Can't even find George, and I know for definite he was in the hutch cos I saw him.  Lots of swear words!

What is it with life.  How come some people seem to sail through, things work out well for them, they make money, they have jobs they enjoy, happy families, and yet for others it is the total opposite?  I have noticed that I am going thru a dissatisfied, resentful period at athe moment, and that is not really like me.  We all get disatisfied at some point along the way, but I never usually resent people for what they have and I don't.  It worries me.  Maybe its midlife crisis time. Its that "stop, let me off for a while" time  I know that work related things aren't helping either.  Maybe its time for a holiday.  I don't know.  All I know is that I don't like the feeling - not the band before someone makes a comment!

Talking of The Feeling, listened to their new CD last night.   Hmmm, there are still a few tracks that you know are them, but on a lot of the tracks they have changed their style.  Need to listen to it lots more obviously, but not sure I am liking the new stuff.  Will download it onto my mp3 and go around permanently plugged in.  That annoys my family so much.  For some reason they hate me having headphones in and listening to music.  Probably because they don't have 100pc access to me and that is a no no.  Mums must be available 24/7 no matter what, and have no life of their own without first getting permission from each member of the family!  IF you listen to music you must only use one earpiece, so you can still fainly hear your name being called.  See, resentful!  I think I sound like I need some time out just for me, although I do get some on a Thursday and Friday during the day, in between seeing Dad and shopping and housework (what little I do).

I need to get my arse in gear.  Need to tidy up and do some odd jobs.  Rich will be home soon so he can take care of ratdog whilst I get on and do a few things.  Its Josh day tomorrow, so won't be doing any housework apart from putting on some washing.  I usually use Wednesdays to take Dad out as well, so both of them are occupied!

Will try and make the next blog more interesting in case anyone reads it :o)

music, messages and mumblings!

I had a message from a friend today, about time too.  Don't you hate it when you email someone and they never get back to you, or they leave it so long you forget what you wrote in the first place?  Texts can be the same.  I had 3 texts today, Saturday, in reply to texts I had sent on Thursday, which I thought were being ignored.   One was a reply to me telling the children I would pick them up from school as it was peeing down.  Fat lot of use having the reply two days later O2!!  We all seem to have lost the knack of picking up the phone and talking, although I guess on mobiles it can be expensive.  I am actually in the middle of a letter to go into my friends' birthday card.  Each time I manage to sit down I write a bit more, am up to 3 sheets of paper so far.  Its so stupid, she only lives just over the bridge, but I haven't seen her for years.  Every christmas we say we must catch up, and never do.  Sheer laziness on both our parts.  Why do we feel our lives are so busy all the time?  Maybe we all have our routines and don't feel we can fit anything else into it without totally disrupting things?  Don't know, must ponder some more.

My wallpaper samples came today, three of which are no good, but two are in the running.  A brown one with a gold pattern running thru it, and the animal one, previewed on an earlier blog.  Rach took one look at the animal one and pronounced it "totally you".  Becky has threatened to leave home if we put that one up - how tempting lol.  For those who know me, it is totally me.  Lets face it, the light shade in the bedroom is Bang on the Door animals,  the lounge is full of quirky ornaments and my favourite mug has Dangermouse on it.  What can I say?  Anything wild and wacky with animals and I am sold.

We spent the afternoon at the music festival, the rain held off and although the sun didn't really show its face it wasn't cold.  Husband is now in bed due to copious amounts of alcohol, Becky has gone to bed, mainly I think because Josh is sleeping in her room, and Rich is on his beloved xbox.  Funny how the fresh air makes you tired.  I walked Specks round the pond on two occasions - flippin people in the way everywhere!  I am so used to the park being empty I resent it when it is used lol.  Probably going over tomorrow again as they have gospel and then Jazz on Sundays.  Mustn't forget we have Josh!   He was so good this afternoon, he really is an angel, bless him.  Not once did he moan or grumble or become bored.  He wasn't at all worried when Rach left him here, although to be fair he is used to it as I have him every Wednesday.  He was excited he was having a sleep over!  I hope he doesn't wake in the night .................

Lets see, what else can I ramble on about?  Oh yes, The Feeling CD also arrived today - haven't had chance to listen to it yet.  My CD player in the kitchen has broken which is a bit of a pain, can only listen to the radio atm.  I have a portable CD player with no headphones.  I seem to remember Becky wanting headphones for something, so that is probably the last I will see of them.  Will have a hunt around because I could listen to it then whilst I write a bit more of my letter.  That will save all you lot from having to read my thoughts :o)  Yup, maybe I will curl up on the settee and relax, and drown out the sound of CoD on the xbox. 

Just remember peeps, keep in touch with the people you love, family, friends etc.  It doesn't really take much effort and everyone appreciates it.  Thats all for now :o) xxx