catching up on Dad

I am so unbelievably tired.  I haven't been sleeping well lately, waking so many times in the night it feels like I may as well be up.  Stress probably not helping.  Well not stress, but worry.  The GP admitted Dad to hospital yesterday in an effort to make him more comfortable.  Since our holiday two weeks ago he has not been able to eat more than a small bowl of porridge a day, and has been sick at least once every day.  Also, drinking makes him feel sick so he has not had much fluid in him either.  His stomach would make an 8month pregnant woman proud!  So, he has had blood tests, which show his platelet level down, PSA level up.  Chest xray, not had the results yet, an ultra sound yesterday, which showed fluid in his abdomen, and the reason for the hospital admittance.  The GP suspects bowel cancer, and has already got him a fast track appointment to a specialist next week.  We all decided, GP, Dad and myself, that he would benefit from having a drain put in to get rid of the fluid and ease the pressure on his abdomen, so off we toddled to Frenchay.  I left Dad having an ECG as part of his admitting procedures and came home.

Dad phoned later to say he had seen a consultant who has diagnosed Cirrhosis of the liver, and suspects the fluid is blood from his spleen or pancreas.  He will have tests on Monday and they won't put a drain in until then, so is in hospital for the weekend, which we knew he would be anyway.  Dad is happy.  I am not.  For the past couple of days I have been forcing myself to look on the black side, a sort of self preservation tactic.  I have trawled the net, and most articles say that the fluid in the abdomen stage is a late stage of liver disease and not a good sign.   I am going to carry on assuming the worst.  As my Father has always told me, "Expect the worst and you are seldom disappointed!". 

I am in no way wishing the worst on him, I just know I will fall apart when the time comes for his end and I am trying to prepare myself.  He is my friend as well as my Father.  I see him more than I see my friends.  No need to say I will feel lost without him.

Sorry its such a down blog.  I need to get things out of my head.  Too much tumbling around in my tiny brain!