Monday 20th.

Unexpected call to arms today in the form of a phone call from work this morning requesting my presence as one of the nurses had left a message to say she was sick and couldn't come in.  Obviously I didn't want to go , but it was a chance for me to give something back for a change.  I knew there was a chance that Christine would be able to cover for me tomorrow or Wednesday too, so I wouldn't end up doing more hours and knackering myself even further.

Still got that not well feeling, we shall say no more.

Had a bit of a miss you Dad moment whilst serving tea tonight.  I cooked the joint in a casserole dish and there was a lot of meat juice produced.  I looked at it and thought I must save some for Dad.  Clunk, reality hit with the tears.  I miss him and am lonely without him, but I usually manage to successfully lock the feelings away.  Stupid little things have the ability to sneak in and punch you in the heart!  Last time it was toothpaste during a cpd session at work.  Crazy.

Piggies are still fighting, spring must be in the air for them at least.  Beginning to wonder if I should have just bought one more instead of two.  Three is very obviously a crowd in my garden.  Do I find one a new home, or get yet another one to try and even things up a bit?  There will always be the lowest of the pack so I may well find a whole gardenful of piggies won't cure the problem!  Watch this space!  Maybe a couple of sows ............

Day something or other!

Well, I did have the idea in my head that I would blog every day to keep a diary on how I am feeling.  That didn't last long then lol.  I seem to be back where I first started with the old ME, real lack of energy and having to sleep every afternoon.  It sucks as you well know by now.  My mood really does mirror how I am feeling, and I am very weepy and lack lustre.  I dread work, but it has to be done sadly.  Still, after all these years, I am resentful.  I resent that I appear to be living alot of my life on the settee.  Thank heavens for books and knitting!

I don't think I mentioned my bird watching antics.  (bad memory, might well have done, but am going to do so again).  This year I have seen a kingfisher, the heron, the woodpecker and what appears to be a cormorant.  I am planning to investigate this as I have seen this bird twice, both times in flight and I have been unable to identify it.  The last few days I have taken binoculars with me to the park, but typically haven't seen the bird!  All I can say for sure is that is isn't a duck.  The swans have produced 7 cygnets.  This is a new pair to the pond.  The previous pair were in their twenties, and have been taken to a swan sanctuary in Oxford to keep them out of the way of the more agressive newcomers.  Shame, but I am glad they will be safe.  No duckies yet.  Wondering if we will have many this year, as last years broods were mostly drakes.

Think that is it for today, not much happens when you only go as far as the park and Tesco!

Day one in the moan a minute house

Wow, twice in two days.  Don't get excited, this is going to be a sort of health diary, so click onto another page quick.

Okay, woke up with a headache again.  As the painkillers didn't work yesterday I have decided to just put up and shut up again.  Feeling crappy today, hot and cold, really having trouble regulating my temperature for some reason today, headache, feel sick, ache and energy levels almost on zero.

Have cleaned the bathrooms, a necessity obviously,  no matter how I feel each week.  Despite my desperate wish to just sit or sleep, I have to push myself daily or I would turn into a total couch potato.  It is a constant battle, one I am extremely fed up of.  If I look ahead and think of this as the rest of my life it gets too depressing.  I am still angry and resentful after all these years.  I resent the fact that I drag myself through life on a daily basis, constantly having to make a decision as to whether I can take my dog out AND do something else, tidy up maybe, do the ironing.   Today it rained a few minutes after getting out with Specks and he made the decision to hightail off home!  As I had to go to the bank, and get some milk I was happy to go along with him. 

I was reversing very slowly out of my parking space as there was a people carrier parked next to me and I couldn't see if any cars were coming.  There was a rangerover type thing coming and the look the woman gave me made me want to get out of the car and thump her!  I mouthed I couldn't see but she just had such a look on her face.  Obviously she was mightier than me and I was in her way.   I find myself having sparks of irritation now that I used to get in my younger PMS days!   Not very often, but I really do think I would have given her a right mouthful given half a chance.  Old age?  Menopause?  Or just maybe sheer frustration.  I was almost crying with fatigue anyway, the rubbishy tesco bag handle had broken, and this was just the final straw.  

I hate it all, so there.  Stamps foot in frustration.  Before anyone says have you tried this or that, the answer is yes, we have researched and researched trying to find something to help.  I am taking yet more minerals, and garlic too this time in a bid to mop up any free mercury in my system.  Next step composite fillings.  Bank loan here we come lol.

Okay, thats it.  Blogging doesn't really help as much as it used to.  Its getting very repetative.  I guess its just a way of me moaning without actually moaning to anyone in particular and pissing them off.

Its me, signing off ......

Its been so long.  I am trying to get out of the habit of blogging when not well, although, as I never feel well that could explain the long silence!

I have discovered knitting.  Or should I say, re-discovered it.  I used to knit a lot when I was younger, mainly jumpers and cardigans for myself and the children.  I think it all tailed off when the children grew too old for home knitted stuff.  A book appeared at work courtesy of the "book man" who leaves a box of goodies for us to rummage through every month.  I tried to ignore it but it kept calling to me every time I passed the box.  Wild Animal Knits.  I gave in and that was that!  I had the idea I could knit the beasties and then hand them over to the Hospice for them to raise funds.  I put photos up on facebook and had a fair amount of interest, especially when I stupidly posted chicks up for £1 each just before Easter!  It has resulted in me sending a cheque to the Hospice, and I have had more orders.  Of course, I know peruse ebay, Amazon and other sites for wool, knitting books, patterns etc, and have spent a fortune on books and wools.  In fact, I am hooked, crazy and possibly obsessed!  My friends son and his wife are expecting their first baby soon, so I have diversified and knitted a baby cardigan.  It is soooo cute.  Oh dear, things are bad lol.

I think I will leave it there, I feel the rumblings of discontent wanting to bubble out.  Oh, on that point though, it would appear that my M.E may have been caused by the Hep B vaccine I had the month before the cloud descended, and not by the chest infection as I first thought.  Interesting.  Have done a fair amount of research on this subject.  Wonder if I can use it as CPR for my job?!

Ta ta for now chaps x

Gosh, long time no blog.  The thing is, sometimes a blog just gets things off your chest, its a way of letting off steam, getting rid of your emotions, without bothering the outside world.  Sadly, I even feel guilty blogging and repeating myself endlessly.  Sighs sadly.

Its been a tough year.  Last year was a tough year too.  Last year Dad became very ill, this year he died.  Two weeks later my husbands uncle died.  Hubby was executor for both wills and has taken a fair amount of time off work to deal with the estates.  It seems like years ago that Dad died, but I can remember his illness as if it was yesterday.  Weird.  On the whole I have been ok the past few months, even to the point of being relatively upbeat about Christmas.  I had some help from a lady I chatted to at a Mind, Body, Spirit fayre, by the name of Ann Oliver.  Her outlook helped me to try and keep positive about life and death, and I am very thankful to her.

I joined a mediumship circle a few months ago, and have had some positive results, if you call it results.  I have really enjoyed going, and finding out different aspects of spiritualism.  So interesting and fascinating.

Also had a nosedive on the old health front, resulting in being signed off work for 3 weeks.  My GP is still seeing me every month to keep a check on me.  Personally I think he is just amused by my lack of mental capacity, and is waiting all agog for my next nutty statement!  Gives him a bit of lighthearted relief in his long days of ailments and moaning.  He is very handy with the tissues too, probably makes him feel like a knight in shining armour, which of course, to me he is.  Lovely man and I am thankful for him too.  Props.  I seem to need them, but then I guess so do a lot of people.

My birthday was going ok, until my sister phoned me at 9.30am.  That opened the floodgates of pain and tears.  No Dad, no early morning phone call and birthday wishes.  Its funny how you can be motoring along quite smoothly, and then you hit a pothole of memories which shakes you up.  The pain is still running in puddles around me at the moment, and of course the next pothole opens up tomorrow.  Hopefully I will steer around that one and give it a miss.  I try to look on the positive side that now Mum and Dad are together for the first time in 12 years, and Dad is reunited with the love of his life.

Crazy thoughts, crazy dreams.  Keep dreaming I am back at school and really behind with my revision.  I can't work out my timetable, where I am supposed to be and why I am taking the subjects as I failed them at school before.   Last night I asked Mum and Dad if I could leave school as I was so far behind.  Maybe I am stressing about christmas, although I don't feel thats the reason.  All up together as far as I am aware.  Maybe my life is running away with me and I have lost control?  

I think that has started to empty my head a bit.  Maybe I should get back on here a bit more.  Have started meditating but find it hard to focus, much like my daily life, I can't keep my mind on anything for too long, all thoughts just shoot away.  No drifting for me!

Happy Christmas to anyone who may have read this, and lets hope, as we all do every year, that next year is a better one.

Well, its a long time since I blogged.  I have often felt like letting rip, but its the same old same old, and there are only so many ways or times that you can say how much you miss someone or how lost and lonely you still feel, or how tired you are!  Still, here I go again, with apologies maybe.

Last week we had 2 people out at work and I got talked into working for 2 1/2 days.  I have to say, I was dreading it, I would rather have worked 5 mornings than all day.  Well, I did it.  The third day which was an all day jobbie was more difficult, but I am proud of myself for staying the course.  This week however it has hit me and I am knackered and pacing for all I am worth.  I took yesterday off, partly because I had a couple of moles removed on Tuesday, and partly because I had holiday I needed to use up.  Sadly I had to do quite a bit of running errands and so didn't get to rest as I should.  I think this afternoon will see me asleep for a while!

The fact that a pipe came free from the washing machine which meant it just kept on filling hasn't helped either.  I have an American style top loader so the water was cascading from the top of the machine as will as underneath.  Luckily there is a small step leading to the utility room so the water was contained.  Typically, the machine had a load of towels in it which weighed a ton, and my washing baskets all have vents in so I couldn't put the towels in them.  Thank heavens for storage boxes!  As well as mopping all the water up I had to bail out the machine.  Not good.  No wonder I am knackered peeps.

As happens when I am tired I am feeling low.  I have been dieting since Feb or March, have lost 1stone and 9lbs, which is a great achievement, especially for diet phobic me, but boy am I struggling.  I don't want to do it!  I want to eat what I want to eat and not have to think about how many points it contains before it passes my lips.  Whilst I have these feelings I also have conflicting feelings of I want to be slim and I want it now, with emphasis on the NOW!   I know its a long, slow game, but boy I am not sure I can do it.  I am tired of it, tired of salad and fruit and not much chocolate.   Mmmmm, twirl bites :o)  I guess I must still have the willpower there somewhere because I feel rebellious and want to just go splurge, but I can't bear the thought of putting weight back on and having to re-lose it!

My final bit of news is that I have sold my car * sob *.  My lovely little car with the wonky ariel that has been my companion for the past 3 years has finally got to go.  Its daft to insure and tax 2 cars, plus the van, and as mine was never the "family" car it is going. 

Thats it for now, hopefully not too moaning and depressive! x

Swallow swiftly!

Its days like this that I miss Dad. I took my usual walk to the park with Speckle, past the pond of course, and on around the park.  Despite the rain I might add!  Anyway, there were around 20 swallows, or were they swifts, flying low across the water catching insects.  I haven't seen this before I don't think, although I am aware at how unreliable my memory is, and its the sort of thing I would have phoned Dad about on the spot and then gone round for a natter about it.  I texted eldest daughter, who told me that swallows have longer tails, so I have decided that the birds were in fact swifts.  Now, having googled swifts, swallows and house martins, I have changed my mind and declare them to be swallows.  See?  I need my Dad to inform me.  He knew so much and we all relied on him for information.  Who needed Google with Dad/Grandad around?!  To add to my delight, not only did I see the swallows, but I actually caught sight of the woodpecker.  I have been taking Specks to the park for 7 years, heard the woodpecker frequently, but never spotted it.  It has been a good morning, and I am feeling more cheerful.  Little steps :o) 

Work remains quite stressful, and being in the middle of an ME flare doesn't help.  I ache and I hurt and I am sure I will soon rattle from all the painkillers I am taking.  Hate it, but thats a story you have all heard before.............