Friday.

Friday already.  Thought I would have a change of font and colour.  Oooh, the excitement!
Right well, as I thought, didn't have time to blog on Wednesday.  Worked in the morning, then took the dog for a short walk and, surprise surprise, had a nap.  Needed to have a bit of energy for parents evening.  Its a case of walking all around the school seeing the teachers.  Son appears to be doing well, which is good because we just tend to leave our children to it unless they ask for help.  I am however going to try and get him reading.  As an avid reader I find it difficult to understand why people don't read more.  I guess for children the lure of xb ox and internet dampens their enthusiasm.  Anyway, after the chat with the English teacher I decided this is one area I really need to push.  A trip to the library is planned.

Early hours of Thursday morning, 2.30am to be precise, saw me dosing said son up with pain killers and preparing hot water bottles.  He has an infected toe which decided to rear its ugly head in the middle of the night.  Bless him, he left it for an hour of pain before calling me and saying he couldn't stand it any longer.   A trip to the gp yesterday resulting in a course of antibiotics, time off school as its too painful to even get a sock on, and frequent soaking in salty water.  This put paid to dog walking and library trip!  It looks very angry, and hopefully will prevent him from picking the skin around his nails which the gp thinks is the cause.

So now we come to Friday.  I guess I can go out and leave him whilst I dog walk, but the weather is cold and windy and I am feeling lazy.  I will take Specks out for a short walk though because its not fair on him if I don't make the effort.  I finally set up a page for my knitting on Facebook.  I would love to be able to earn enough money from it to say "Wow, I am incredibly talented and successful", but I am too soft to charge what it needs.  I have had a few orders to keep me going, but by the time I have bought wool, stuffing, patterns and put some money aside for charity I am left with about 25p an hour.  See what I mean about not charging enough?  I do search for free patterns and am using old pillows for stuffing atm which helps, but nice wool to knit with is a must, and costs more.  Anyway, Jills Knits on FB.  Pop by and place an order.  Don't forget to offer me double what I am charging ;0).  Ha ha, don't know why I added that as no one reads this and its a form of talking to myself.  Makes a change from muttering to myself as I go round the shops!  

Healthwise, I am not feeling too bad atm.  Having to stay in and not walk or shop does wonders for me.  How sad is that.  I sometimes wish I had an invalid scooter so I could take Specks for nice long walks like I used to.  I miss my freedom.  Everything you do has to be weighed up and assessed when you have ME.  Spontaneity is definitely a thing of the past.  

Ok, I have forgotted what font I was using.  Did a spellcheck and interestingly it threw up "internet" as incorrect.  Then it reverted to my usual settings and confused me.  Quite like this one though.  Anyway, I am going to go out with the dog.  I used to be able to blog for pages, but now my mind is empty!  ttfn

Tuesday 21st

As I type I am eating.  Its 11.12am and I am hungry so decided that instead of snacking, we have no fruit, I would have lunch!  Not sure how this is going to work out, but I need to go to the shops, so at least there will be fruit for later.  Not having a healthy lunch either, beef sandwich and a packet of chipsticks.  I very rarely eat crisps, so don't feel too bad about the occasional packet.  Shame I can't say the same about chocolate. 

Okay, so far today I have done some knitting, tidied the kitchen and taken my dog out for a walk.  Not a long one today.  Just don't know what has  happened to my energy lately.  Obviously I am devoid of a lot of oomph, but the past week or two has been worse than usual, back to how I was when the ME first landed on me.  I also have tinnitis and vertigo which doesn't do for helping me walk in a straight line!  My walking can be erratic at the best of times, veering off and stumbling.  Going to get a reputation for drinking soon lol.  Trying hard to stay upbeat in case you hadn't noticed.

Need to get the bathrooms cleaned today, and the pile of ironing that has taken root still beckons.  Daughter number two will be leaving school shortly, only having to go in for exams, and wants to earn some money.  I can accommodate her there and hopefully she will get stuck in.  She has about the same enthusiasm for housework as her mother, but as she is going on holiday with her friends in July she does need the dosh so hopefully that will spur her on. 

Talking of offspring, daughter number one has found herself a job providing she gets a 2:1 in her degree, which I am sure she will.  Working for the MOD, all hush hush, and to be honest I don't really want to know.    I so wish my eldest son could get the job of his dreams too.  One day hopefully.  From September I will be back to one child at school and one at college.  Been there, done that, didn't think it would happen again!  Strange how life turns out.  Once upon a tme I would have laughed if you had told me I would have 2 children, let alone 4.  Dogs or horses maybe, children?  No siree!  I do still dream of a house with enough back garden to have chickens, ducks and an allotment.  And enough energy to manage it all of course.

I am still going to my awareness circle.  Some nights I seem to be on the right track and someone comes through or I get an image that is for one of the members of the circle that means something to them.  I need to meditate, but I struggle.  I cannot switch my mind off, the thoughts just gallop through relentlessly.  I am finding this at bedtime lately too.  Just can't switch off.  You can't meditate when you are wondering what you will cook for tea for the next week, and how can you make some money when you aren't fit enough to work.  How can I sell my knitted toys?  Will people really want to buy them? etc etc.  I used to be quite good at visualisation techniques but its all gone to pot. 

Okay,   need to get to the shops to buy mousetraps.  Don't want to but am fed up of having to clean out the cupboard under the sink every day.  Have done the humane route but they nibble their way out of the traps so its going to have to be the old fashioned ones.  Eeww, not looking forward to it.  Working tomorrow, so not sure if it will be a blog day.  Parents evening too, so I guess that is now a definite no.

Onwards and upwards.  Or back to bed!  No, no, the mousetraps call ......

Monday 20th.

Unexpected call to arms today in the form of a phone call from work this morning requesting my presence as one of the nurses had left a message to say she was sick and couldn't come in.  Obviously I didn't want to go , but it was a chance for me to give something back for a change.  I knew there was a chance that Christine would be able to cover for me tomorrow or Wednesday too, so I wouldn't end up doing more hours and knackering myself even further.

Still got that not well feeling, we shall say no more.

Had a bit of a miss you Dad moment whilst serving tea tonight.  I cooked the joint in a casserole dish and there was a lot of meat juice produced.  I looked at it and thought I must save some for Dad.  Clunk, reality hit with the tears.  I miss him and am lonely without him, but I usually manage to successfully lock the feelings away.  Stupid little things have the ability to sneak in and punch you in the heart!  Last time it was toothpaste during a cpd session at work.  Crazy.

Piggies are still fighting, spring must be in the air for them at least.  Beginning to wonder if I should have just bought one more instead of two.  Three is very obviously a crowd in my garden.  Do I find one a new home, or get yet another one to try and even things up a bit?  There will always be the lowest of the pack so I may well find a whole gardenful of piggies won't cure the problem!  Watch this space!  Maybe a couple of sows ............

Day something or other!

Well, I did have the idea in my head that I would blog every day to keep a diary on how I am feeling.  That didn't last long then lol.  I seem to be back where I first started with the old ME, real lack of energy and having to sleep every afternoon.  It sucks as you well know by now.  My mood really does mirror how I am feeling, and I am very weepy and lack lustre.  I dread work, but it has to be done sadly.  Still, after all these years, I am resentful.  I resent that I appear to be living alot of my life on the settee.  Thank heavens for books and knitting!

I don't think I mentioned my bird watching antics.  (bad memory, might well have done, but am going to do so again).  This year I have seen a kingfisher, the heron, the woodpecker and what appears to be a cormorant.  I am planning to investigate this as I have seen this bird twice, both times in flight and I have been unable to identify it.  The last few days I have taken binoculars with me to the park, but typically haven't seen the bird!  All I can say for sure is that is isn't a duck.  The swans have produced 7 cygnets.  This is a new pair to the pond.  The previous pair were in their twenties, and have been taken to a swan sanctuary in Oxford to keep them out of the way of the more agressive newcomers.  Shame, but I am glad they will be safe.  No duckies yet.  Wondering if we will have many this year, as last years broods were mostly drakes.

Think that is it for today, not much happens when you only go as far as the park and Tesco!

Day one in the moan a minute house

Wow, twice in two days.  Don't get excited, this is going to be a sort of health diary, so click onto another page quick.

Okay, woke up with a headache again.  As the painkillers didn't work yesterday I have decided to just put up and shut up again.  Feeling crappy today, hot and cold, really having trouble regulating my temperature for some reason today, headache, feel sick, ache and energy levels almost on zero.

Have cleaned the bathrooms, a necessity obviously,  no matter how I feel each week.  Despite my desperate wish to just sit or sleep, I have to push myself daily or I would turn into a total couch potato.  It is a constant battle, one I am extremely fed up of.  If I look ahead and think of this as the rest of my life it gets too depressing.  I am still angry and resentful after all these years.  I resent the fact that I drag myself through life on a daily basis, constantly having to make a decision as to whether I can take my dog out AND do something else, tidy up maybe, do the ironing.   Today it rained a few minutes after getting out with Specks and he made the decision to hightail off home!  As I had to go to the bank, and get some milk I was happy to go along with him. 

I was reversing very slowly out of my parking space as there was a people carrier parked next to me and I couldn't see if any cars were coming.  There was a rangerover type thing coming and the look the woman gave me made me want to get out of the car and thump her!  I mouthed I couldn't see but she just had such a look on her face.  Obviously she was mightier than me and I was in her way.   I find myself having sparks of irritation now that I used to get in my younger PMS days!   Not very often, but I really do think I would have given her a right mouthful given half a chance.  Old age?  Menopause?  Or just maybe sheer frustration.  I was almost crying with fatigue anyway, the rubbishy tesco bag handle had broken, and this was just the final straw.  

I hate it all, so there.  Stamps foot in frustration.  Before anyone says have you tried this or that, the answer is yes, we have researched and researched trying to find something to help.  I am taking yet more minerals, and garlic too this time in a bid to mop up any free mercury in my system.  Next step composite fillings.  Bank loan here we come lol.

Okay, thats it.  Blogging doesn't really help as much as it used to.  Its getting very repetative.  I guess its just a way of me moaning without actually moaning to anyone in particular and pissing them off.

Its me, signing off ......

Its been so long.  I am trying to get out of the habit of blogging when not well, although, as I never feel well that could explain the long silence!

I have discovered knitting.  Or should I say, re-discovered it.  I used to knit a lot when I was younger, mainly jumpers and cardigans for myself and the children.  I think it all tailed off when the children grew too old for home knitted stuff.  A book appeared at work courtesy of the "book man" who leaves a box of goodies for us to rummage through every month.  I tried to ignore it but it kept calling to me every time I passed the box.  Wild Animal Knits.  I gave in and that was that!  I had the idea I could knit the beasties and then hand them over to the Hospice for them to raise funds.  I put photos up on facebook and had a fair amount of interest, especially when I stupidly posted chicks up for £1 each just before Easter!  It has resulted in me sending a cheque to the Hospice, and I have had more orders.  Of course, I know peruse ebay, Amazon and other sites for wool, knitting books, patterns etc, and have spent a fortune on books and wools.  In fact, I am hooked, crazy and possibly obsessed!  My friends son and his wife are expecting their first baby soon, so I have diversified and knitted a baby cardigan.  It is soooo cute.  Oh dear, things are bad lol.

I think I will leave it there, I feel the rumblings of discontent wanting to bubble out.  Oh, on that point though, it would appear that my M.E may have been caused by the Hep B vaccine I had the month before the cloud descended, and not by the chest infection as I first thought.  Interesting.  Have done a fair amount of research on this subject.  Wonder if I can use it as CPR for my job?!

Ta ta for now chaps x

Gosh, long time no blog.  The thing is, sometimes a blog just gets things off your chest, its a way of letting off steam, getting rid of your emotions, without bothering the outside world.  Sadly, I even feel guilty blogging and repeating myself endlessly.  Sighs sadly.

Its been a tough year.  Last year was a tough year too.  Last year Dad became very ill, this year he died.  Two weeks later my husbands uncle died.  Hubby was executor for both wills and has taken a fair amount of time off work to deal with the estates.  It seems like years ago that Dad died, but I can remember his illness as if it was yesterday.  Weird.  On the whole I have been ok the past few months, even to the point of being relatively upbeat about Christmas.  I had some help from a lady I chatted to at a Mind, Body, Spirit fayre, by the name of Ann Oliver.  Her outlook helped me to try and keep positive about life and death, and I am very thankful to her.

I joined a mediumship circle a few months ago, and have had some positive results, if you call it results.  I have really enjoyed going, and finding out different aspects of spiritualism.  So interesting and fascinating.

Also had a nosedive on the old health front, resulting in being signed off work for 3 weeks.  My GP is still seeing me every month to keep a check on me.  Personally I think he is just amused by my lack of mental capacity, and is waiting all agog for my next nutty statement!  Gives him a bit of lighthearted relief in his long days of ailments and moaning.  He is very handy with the tissues too, probably makes him feel like a knight in shining armour, which of course, to me he is.  Lovely man and I am thankful for him too.  Props.  I seem to need them, but then I guess so do a lot of people.

My birthday was going ok, until my sister phoned me at 9.30am.  That opened the floodgates of pain and tears.  No Dad, no early morning phone call and birthday wishes.  Its funny how you can be motoring along quite smoothly, and then you hit a pothole of memories which shakes you up.  The pain is still running in puddles around me at the moment, and of course the next pothole opens up tomorrow.  Hopefully I will steer around that one and give it a miss.  I try to look on the positive side that now Mum and Dad are together for the first time in 12 years, and Dad is reunited with the love of his life.

Crazy thoughts, crazy dreams.  Keep dreaming I am back at school and really behind with my revision.  I can't work out my timetable, where I am supposed to be and why I am taking the subjects as I failed them at school before.   Last night I asked Mum and Dad if I could leave school as I was so far behind.  Maybe I am stressing about christmas, although I don't feel thats the reason.  All up together as far as I am aware.  Maybe my life is running away with me and I have lost control?  

I think that has started to empty my head a bit.  Maybe I should get back on here a bit more.  Have started meditating but find it hard to focus, much like my daily life, I can't keep my mind on anything for too long, all thoughts just shoot away.  No drifting for me!

Happy Christmas to anyone who may have read this, and lets hope, as we all do every year, that next year is a better one.