Do you ever wish you weren't so impulsive? I continually open my mouth before the bit of brain I have left engages, and then wish I hadn't spoken. I don't do it in an offensive way, at least I hope I don't, its more of an agreeing to do something before thinking, or telling someone something and wishing I hadn't sort of thing.
Josh is staying over on Saturday night because Rach and her family are going paintballing early Sunday morning and we are looking after him for the day. I am not good at getting up over the weekend, I really need routine to keep me going, so I tend to stay in bed until 9 ish. Okay, sometimes it might be 9.30ish! I thought it would be easier all round if he stays the night, and Bex is more than happy to have him in her room with her. Then she reminded me its the music festival on Saturday and it won't be easy to stay until the end if Josh is tired. Especially as his bedtime is 7pm. Okay, I will come home early for him and do the betime routine whilst the children stay longer. We can still hear the music from the house so it will be fine.
I have a habit of saying I will work extra, because the brain hasn't kicked in and I really do believe I can do it. Its a bloody awful moment when realisation kicks in and I know damn well that there is a 99 pc chance that actually although I am more than willing, the whole body is thinking no way jose! I worked an extra afternoon last week and spent Friday asleep. Whats the point? I hate it. There is so much I want to do but am afraid to do because of the possible consequences. It takes so little to tip the balance. I really want to go see Captain Ed play at The Louisiana tomorrow night, but because his band is on last, and it will be a late night I am not going.(If you read this Ed, sorry x)
I feel I am on a negative spiral again, focusing on what I can't do, rather than what I can. Mind you, sometimes what I can doesn't feel like a great deal. The staff meeting at work got me down too. Although the Quality Care Commission say its not compulsory for us to have CRB checks, the local PCT has decided that they want us to have them. £60 including administration fee. Bet they would change their mind if we all gave them the bill! How on earth they think we are going to have time to molest child patients is beyond me, mind you, some of the adult male patients should watch out ;op The meeting left us all feeling disatisfied really, I think all the new changes and regulations are taking their toll. Its hard when you have done a job for years, satisfactorily, and then suddenly have to prove you are capable of carrying out the work you do, AND pay!!!! I love my job tho, and I guess we all have to just make the best of it, which isn't fair actually. I don't mind the change, but I do mind the cost!
I sat watching our hamster today - little things. I cleaned out his cage and I love the moment I put him back and he investigates. I can almost hear him saying " where's she put that, why has my bed moved? I don't like it there, oooh, a new tube, must add to my stock of food in case she never feeds me again" . Okay, so I am mad, we all know and agree. He is the cutest hamster of a long line tho, and I will be very sad when he dies. I remember not so long ago spending £35 at the vets for one of the hamsters who had an infected food pouch - the hamster only cost £8 in the first place! I think I might become a hoarder when I am old. My house will be full of all sorts of animals, and I will be dribbly and have a beard and shuffle along in carpet slippers ......
Went to see the duckies. The rain was torrential, and I don't think poor old Specks enjoyed the first part of the walk much. After I fed the ducks, so many young ones including my girlies, we carried on round the park and gradually the rain stopped. I needed to get out, despite the rain. I am aware of my delicate frame of mind and don't want to plummet, so am trying to give in to my whims wherever possible. Some I can't and those I have to deal with. Oh god, back to me and my mood again. Will shut up and make tea, the food variety, not the drinking one.
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